TITLE: Vision
GENRE: YA Paranormal Suspence
Teenage friends falling in love. Shelby must keep her mother from marrying a reincarnated psychopath.
"Just go talk to her and get it over with.”
“I know, I’m going.” I forced myself off the couch and away from Ben’s strong warm body.
“I’m gonna walk you home,” Ben said plucking his jacket from the coat tree when we reached the door.
“That’s okay. I need a minute alone to decide what to say.”
He faced me and I realized his eyes were the same color as the pendant the Maharishi gave me. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. Whoever tried to break into your house last night’s still out there,” he said standing so close I could feel his sweet breath. Seriously, how could I be expected to concentrate like this?
“I’ll text you as soon as I’m inside, don’t worry.” He brought his hand to my face and slowly stroked my cheek causing a buzz of electricity to course through me. I took a step closer and put my hand on his chest.
His hand slid around my waist, gently pulling me to him. I’d never been so close to Ben but it felt totally right, and I moved my hand from his chest to his back, erasing the last inches of space between us. Ben leaned down, his lips slightly parting and…the refrigerator opened around the corner in the kitchen, ruining our moment and wrenching me from Ben’s spell. I stepped back from him breathless and walked out the door.
I felt like I was walking on air, and as I floated down the driveway I imagined what it would be like to kiss Ben.
I like that your first kiss is actually a miss. It really builds up the tension for the next one. One nitpicky thing: She forces herself to leave the couch (and Ben), but then he's right there at the door with her. Maybe have him pluck the jacket before joining her at the door instead of just appearing there.
ReplyDeleteI like the detail of his eyes matching her pendant.
When she says she'll text, you go straight into a Ben action. It makes it seem like he's the one who said it. I had to read it twice to make sure I had the correct speaker.
Overall, though, I think your tension is a good fit for a YA first kiss.
Hi Gabby. Thank you sooo much for taking the time to comment. I completely agree with what you said. I had to delete a few transitional lines in order to get it down to 250 words. Glad to hear they are needed and not something I should cut. Thanks again for your help!!!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love the stakes given in the lead in. Like Gabby above, I also needed a bit of clarification and thought adding a few more paragraph breaks would help. I was also confused to find Ben with her at the door, but adding a beat would easily fix that. I thought you wove in wonderful details about how they draw closer to one another. I also felt the dialogue did a good job showing us that these two know each other well. I wondered if you might consider rather than '...his lips parting and...' going for a full stop, i.e.,: '...his lips parting. (and...) Just around the corner, the refrigerator clacked open/someone opened the refrigerator, wrenching me from...' I didn't think you needed the more 'telling' line of 'ruining our moment' -- her stepping back unkissed shows us that. I'd keep on reading!
ReplyDelete