TITLE: TANGLED UP IN BLUES
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Sophie has synesthesia, crossed senses—she feels colors, tastes textures. She tutors Theo in math; they've just watched a movie at his house.
There was a hiccup when our noses bumped—we both leaned to the right. And then we did. Kiss, I mean. Just like that my mouth connected with his. My eyes were open, his were closed, so I shut mine, quick. His lips weren’t completely shut, so I parted mine, too. His mouth tasted sweet and salty, from the pop and popcorn. Then, maybe for the first time ever, all thought ceased.
Time must have passed. He pulled away. I opened my eyes.
“Well,” he said, voice deep. “That was…nice. Can we do it again?”
We did. For a while, I think. In all my getting-dressed shenanigans I’d forgotten to wear my watch. Behind my closed lids colors rose and fell, swirls of rich blue tinged with indigo.
I jumped when his tongue touched my lip. My eyes flew open but his were still shut. Had he done this before? Of course he had done this before. It was just me, weird little loner girl with the psycho senses, who was seventeen and never been kissed. French kissing was like the nose thing, I thought before sinking into the delicious feel of those colors. Our hands started out at our sides, in our laps, then Theo was touching my face, which felt so good I moved my hands to his chest, which felt solid and steady, unlike the room and couch. His hands on my shoulders squeezed with increasing pressure. I squeaked.
“Too much?” His eyebrows wrinkled.
I nodded.
“Wanna keeping going?” Eyebrows raised now, hopeful.
Okay, she feels with colors and yet in an intense emotional moment, color is only mentioned once. I think if you tied the emotions to the colors more and took her through most of the rainbow, it would be more powerful than forgetting her watch.
ReplyDeleteYou do have a lovely voice.
As soon as Sophie closes her eyes in 1st paragraph, you may want to have her seeing/feeling colors at that moment. Since she's never been kissed,maybe a color comes through that she's never experienced - an possibility to play with. "Can we do it again?" Theo felt young and inexperienced here which contradicts with what comes later. I would edit out and "then we did." and "Kiss, I mean" it's not needed. Overall loved it!
ReplyDeleteWriteOn!
I love the synesthesia and as was mentioned above, would like even more to see that come alive as they kiss. What color does kissing feel like? What texture does his kiss smell like? The kiss worked for me, the motions did too, the dialogue felt off though.
ReplyDelete#25
I like the details of how Sophie closes her eyes when she sees Theo's eyes are closed during the kiss, but wanted to know right up front how she feels in that moment -- especially since we learn this is her first kiss. I do like that their noses bump and the way she's trying to learn as she goes.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this little kiss scene, I love your voice and the mixed up senses is really intriguing, but I think it would come across more dramatic if you mentioned the colors more, for instance when their lips first touch?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree that the "Can we do it again?" seems to contradict the fact that he's more experienced.
Happy writing!
This is so well done. I like that her first kiss was sweet and awkward. I didn't feel uncomfortable reading it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments, I would have liked to see more emotion. I was really intrigued by the idea of feeling colors and tasting textures. What color is his kiss?
#1
Commenters, you are the best! This is so helpful, and hope-inducing. I'm feeling at a low point after some rejections and silence.
ReplyDelete