TITLE: Beyond the River
GENRE: Literary Fiction
Brad, the protagonist, is a college freshman. Kelly, his friend since childhood, has come to visit. He has a crush on her. This scene takes place in Brad's dorm room.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Kelly said. “I’m just really confused right now.”
She leaned over and her hair fell forward, covering her face. Her head shook so that he thought she might be crying. Sweeping her hair back, she let out a snickering laugh, and asked, “You still a virgin?”
Brad looked away and slugged his beer.
“Come on, you can tell me . . . .”
He nodded tentatively.
She came over and sat down next to him.
“What’s going on?” he said eyeing her.
“I’ve made up my mind; this is something I want to do for you.” She peered at him in mock seriousness. “Plus, I’ll probably never have the opportunity to be with a virgin again.”
He forced an uneasy laugh. She put her arm around him and pulled him close. He kept his arms straight at his sides. She nuzzled her cheek to his. Then she kissed him. He had imagined this so many times and now it didn’t seem real. Was he just imagining again? He’d kissed another girl like this after a party once. He knew her from computer lab. But that time, the same effect hadn’t been achieved: like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
This drew me in right away. I'm worried it will mean much more to him than it does to her, so it makes me sad. College relationships break a lot of hearts.
ReplyDeleteAck, I'm nervous for him! :)
ReplyDeleteAt the end, I get that he's nervous and awkward, but this line felt a little too dry:
"But that time, the same effect hadn’t been achieved: like the rest of the world didn’t exist."
I want to be in this moment with him, and the middle of that line pulled me out of the scene. What did that mean? Could he still hear the clock ticking on the wall? Maybe this time he can't even hear the music in the next dorm anymore? Something like that? I'm wanting something tangible to grab onto at the end of this scene, something to grab my senses.
Otherwise, the tension here is nice.
I love this. In such a short time, we get a sense of both characters--the nervousness and inexperience of one and the playfulness and boldness of the other. The way Brad almost took himself out of the kiss while being overwhelmed by the emotions he felt was superb writing. I would definitely read an entire book with these two characters.
ReplyDeleteI love this. In such a short time, we get a sense of both characters--the nervousness and inexperience of one and the playfulness and boldness of the other. The way Brad almost took himself out of the kiss while being overwhelmed by the emotions he felt was superb writing. I would definitely read an entire book with these two characters.
ReplyDeletewhat a great setup!
ReplyDeletehow about for the last line something like "but that time, it didn't feel like the rest of the world stopped". great job!