TITLE: AMERICAN PANDA
GENRE: NA Multicultural Contemporary
I greet my parents on the curb outside my MIT dorm, same as every Saturday. I’m probably the only college senior who still sees her parents every weekend, but it’s easier to just do than protest. If you don’t have traditional Taiwanese parents, you don’t get to judge.
“Mei!” my mom greets me as she frowns and pinches my sides. “Did you gain weight?”
You know how a first sentence should hook the reader right in and at the same time give a hint of voice or tone? I don't feel like your first sentence does that, but the second definitely does! You immediately get the sense that it's NA and Contemporary, so perhaps you could start with that one instead?
ReplyDeleteApart from that, this does feel like the genre and category you said. And I like the title - without knowing the plot I already have a hint of humor and the story itself.
I wish you luck!
I agree that this would be stronger if you start with the second sentence and slip in that she goes to MIT there. Otherwise, I really like this opening. I am definitely getting your genre and I already like/empathize with the character. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree the second sentence should start this off. It's good to know where she is and when she is, but the second sentence is much more telling and hooky. I love the mother but not quite sure if she's critical or worried or happy about the weight. I'm going with critical simply based on the attitude of your mc. I'm well grounded and feel you've done a great job in a short time.
ReplyDeleteI agree the second sentence should start this off. It's good to know where she is and when she is, but the second sentence is much more telling and hooky. I love the mother but not quite sure if she's critical or worried or happy about the weight. I'm going with critical simply based on the attitude of your mc. I'm well grounded and feel you've done a great job in a short time.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good opening. Even though I don't like present tense in general, the voice here is appropriate for the genre and the charm and humor comes through nicely.
ReplyDeleteThe only nitpick I have is that 'it's easier to just do than protest' is a bit awkward; I think it probably needs to be 'it's easier to just do it than protest' to be grammatical, or perhaps you could find a slightly different way to word it.
Charming! I get the genre and I'm interested to read more.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the helpful comments! I've already retweaked with your help!
ReplyDeleteThanks Miss Snark for your support to the writing community!
Fun title!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. I get all of your labels right off... college dorm, Taiwanese parents, MIT... definitely feels like NA mulitcultural contemporary. I feel grounded in the scene, but I agree you should start with the more interesting second sentence.
I also really liked the voice and I feel for the girl with her judgemental mother. I tripped a little on her refering to her "MIT" dorm, which I'm not sure a first-person POV would do. That's subjective, though. And to be honest, "to just do than" also felt a little awkward for me. I kept reading the words out of order, like my brain was trying to make it say something else.
For those interested, here's what your comments have helped me come up with for my first 2 sentences:
ReplyDeleteI’m probably the only college senior who still sees her parents every Saturday, but I’d rather eat chicken feet than fight them. If you don’t have traditional Taiwanese parents, you don’t get to judge (and you probably don’t know how disgusting chicken feet really are).
Thank you again!
I smiled when I read the mom's opening dialogue. It's great. The first paragraph (as has been said in previous comments) could use a little tightening up--and you're headed in the right direction with the rewrite. I'd definitely read on! :)
ReplyDelete