TITLE: Out of Order
GENRE: contemporary YA
I lean up against the tree to steady myself and it helps, sort of.
He's still standing in front of me dripping wet. I nervously look past him
to make sure my dad and brother have really gone home. All clear.
He leans in and says in my ear, "Happy birthday, Ruby."
I feel my knees give a little and the tree bark scrapes my butt
through my bikini bottom. I wince.
"You okay?" he asks, pressing himself against me completely.
A sigh escapes, and I'm embarrassed.
But then he sighs too.
"I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you, Ruby?" he whispers in my ear.
Our wet bodies touch in all the right places. I nod yes, completely unable
to form words.
He gently puts his lips to mine and he tastes like the blueberry pie
from our barbeque. His kiss is tender, almost too tender; I want to devour
him. I boldly press my lips to his and he groans. My arms wrap around his
neck, and he pulls me in even tighter against him.
His tongue begins to gently explore my mouth, and I don't want him
to ever stop kissing me. But he does. He pulls back enough to look me in
the eye and says, "Oh my god. Do you know how long I've wanted to do that?"
I nod again like a love-sick-mute. I seriously can't speak - I
don't want to speak - I only want him to kiss me again.
It's really hard for me to read present tense. But you pull it off pretty well. I like this, though I think there could be more emotion from your MC. I want to know if she's excited, worried, whatever. I liked it a lot, I just thought there could be more emotion.
ReplyDeleteGood scene.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like him sighing for some reason.
I wonder if her wincing would make him move back and she can awkwardly apologize or pull him back to her. If he's kissing her for the first time, he's hyper aware of every movement and expression looking for a sign of yes or no.
I love how he's being sweet and she wants to "devour" him. It's great from "I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you, Ruby?"
Only other bit I'd point out "look me in the eye" seems off. Maybe "gaze into my eyes" or "lock me in his gaze" or something.
I could feel the wet skin and rough tree. Nice job.
Two small tics. First, when she winces after scraping the tree bark, I don't think the average boy's first reaction would be to press himself against her - especially if he's shy enough to be hesitant about kissing her.
ReplyDeleteAnd then in the last paragraph, I'd change "love-sick-mute" to "lovesick mute." Lovesick is one word and an adjective, so it can stand on its own next to a noun, no hyphen needed.
Other than that, though, I thought this flowed well. Nice job.
I definitely like this but there are a couple of tiny things I'd change. First, it seems odd for him to press himself against her before he asks to kiss her. It's like he's being forward but not. You also don't describe the feeling of him pressing until after he asks so I really think the pressing would work better before that. Second, it also seems odd for him to press against her if she has just winced from scraping the tree. It's like he's saying, "Are you okay? Here, let me make it hurt more..."
ReplyDeleteLast, I agree with the sighs. Why is she sighing? Why is he sighing? This feels like the wrong reaction .
I don't care for the present tense. I fully understand why the editors over on edittorrent say what they did recently how it can yank readers out of scenes that you really don't want them yanked out of.
ReplyDeleteI really like this!!
ReplyDeleteThe only part that threw me was her scraping and wincing and then him pushing his body into her right after that.
Otherwise it rocks. I can picture this in my head--it reads well!!
I didn't even notice it was present tense until I read it a second time. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the scene except where she was hurt and then he pressed against her. I think maybe he should press against her; then the wince and are you okay; then continue!
ReplyDelete