Wednesday, May 5, 2010

First Kiss #20

TITLE: Marked Beauty
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance

Viktor hardly noticed his loss of composure, as he hovered inches over the floor; it appeared Ana didn't care. Her fingers massaged through his longer locks, eyes gazing into his. Such purity had never been experienced by either, not in seventeen short years or over three hundred lonely years.

"You still smell like chocolate."

"You're still as soft as in the parking lot."

"You remember that?"

"Yes, I remember the parking lot every day."

A light breath puffed off her lips as her inhibitions fluttered away, and she tucked her fingers under his tie, unfastening it. Her knuckles twisted his two top buttons, loosening them from their eyelets.

The tips of her fingers traced his pulse to his jaw, and then she wrapped her arms around his lower waist. He never interrupted her, just cherished the smell of her hair and the softness of her face pressing the cotton of his shirt against his skin. Soaking in the heat from her body, he absorbed the delicate waxing and waning of her breaths, not wanting this to end.

Viktor walked his fingers along her neckline and tipped her head back, cradling it in his palm. The warm mist coating his breath sent a tremor to her every skin cell. He pressed the wet, sultry pleasure of his lips on her neck, smearing his honey all over her skin and then moving a little higher. Her hands combed the back of his curls again and gripped tighter.


  1. I like this. At least, I think I do. I was kind of worried about who was talking. Then I was disturbed that she started to undress him (I thought "whoa, wrong contest") then there was a kind of eww moment when he 'smeared honey'. That was odd and kind of gooey. I do like it, I just think, being out of context, it kind of left me wondering.

  2. I'm sorry but I had a hard time imagining some of this. I'm sure some of it is coming into the middle of a scene, but I first wanted to know how/why he was "hovering over the floor."

    Along with "loss of composure", I imagined him sprawled out over the floor- liked he'd slipped, but hadn't fallen? I've gone over it and think maybe he can fly and he's hovering above the floor- and that's the loss of composure.

    But, I was also thrown by "longer locks" longer than hers? than his usually are?

    But once I got to the dialogue and just imagined them standing next to each other- all was OK until the honey. Is he a bee? Or do you mean his touch is like honey (honey says sticky sweet to me, not "wet and sultry") Or did he have honey in his hand? Sorry that just pulled me right out of the moment.

  3. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at the thought of her being soft like a parking lot. I know you wrote "in" the parking lot, so I'm sure it wouldn't have hit me that way if I'd actually read the parking lot scene...but it struck me as funny. And then he's remember the parking lot every day. Yeah, I know he was remember what happened IN the parking lot...but I pictured him floating there with a little bubble cloud of his thoughts with a picture of a parking lot inside, which made me giggle.

    Sorry. Um...

    Past that, the POV is sort-of omni and sort of his POV. I think it might be stronger to do one or the other.

  4. I was thrown by the head jumping--especially since it happens in the same paragraph.

    "Her knuckles twisted his two top buttons, loosening them from their eyelets."

    Knuckles don't twist--fingers do. Does he really have buttons or are you referring to the buttons on his shirt? Eyelets? Is this a historical?

    I really think this is a scene that works in the context of the story, but loses impact as a stand alone. The smearing of honey really got to me.

    "Delicate waxing and waning of breaths" and "Sultry pleasure of his lips" are both really good descriptors.

  5. Sorry, but this doesn't work for me. The first reason in the POV, it does seem to jump around. Some of the descriptions seemed over-the-top and didn't make sense. "Traced from his pulse.." You can feel a pulse, but not trace it. "smearing his honey..."

  6. I liked this a lot, but you could use one or two tags for the dialogue. It was quite hard to figure out who was saying what.

  7. "Delicate waxing and waning of breaths" "Sultry pleasure of his lips"
    Also agree that these lines are really good. I also agree with a dialogue tag to clarify who is speaking.
    You have some nice things here.