TITLE: Half-truth
GENRE: YA
Edan took her by the hips pulling her closer, so she looked into his face instead of the scars across his chest. Rose put her hands on his shoulders and pushed back. The full meaning of Eryna's words hit her like a slap: you have no idea what my Clan does nor what, he, especially has gone through for you and your family. Rose's voice, her whole body trembled. "Did you get...these protecting me and mine?"
"No." But struggling with the truth, he added, "Not all of them."
She closed her eyes to hide her tears. She bent her head intending only to hide the shame on her face, but when she came so close, felt the heat of him and the smooth, softness of the skin left unblemished, she found her lips brushing his. She opened her mouth wanted to taste them, he pushed her away. His voice held an edge she'd never heard in him. "Was that out of pity or gratitude?"
"Both. But not in the way you mean." She locked her gaze with his. "Pity that you've had to put up with my ignorance, for so long and gratitude that you did." A tear escaped leaving its cool trail on her flaming cheek.
He reached out, caught in on his fingertip, and licked it while closing his eyes. "It tastes like the sea," he said softly. "Only sweeter."
This was nice. I liked the way she justifies the pity and gratitude. I'm not big on licking tears, but it seemed to work here. I'm not sure that I would change a thing.
ReplyDeleteThe comma problems throughout this excerpt kept me from really being drawn in.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, I think the first line (the way it appears on the blog) could use a comma between "hips" and "pulling."
In the fourth line, the commas around "he" didn't make sense. ("You have no idea what my Clan does, nor what he especially has gone through..." might work better. You could put commas around the "especially" if you wanted to, but I don't think they're necessary.)
In the first line of the third paragraph, I'd add a comma between "head" and "intending."
In the fourth line of the third paragraph, I think "She opened her mouth, wanted to taste them, but he pushed her away" would work better than what you have.
Fourth paragraph, second line: Get rid of the comma between "ignorance" and "for." You could stick it between "long" and "and," if you want to imply that Rose takes a breath there or something, but you don't really need a comma anywhere in this line.
Same paragraph, third line: You could probably use a comma between "escaped" and "leaving."
Hope that helps!
Eek. Krista, I so agree about the commas. I had trouble getting the new system to take my entry and had to type it in quickly before time ran out, and I was culling words left and right because the system kept saying I was over. I was afraid I had errors and I did.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't get pulled in, with all the names. By the time you get to a kiss, you're down to "he" and "she." (If you're writing in 3rd person). Saying Edan did this and Rose did this makes me feel like I'm standing next to them, taking notes.
ReplyDeleteI am really intrigued by this story. What kind of Clan is he in? I'm curious. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen she says "protecting me and mine," it sounds a little archaic. I don't know what time/place this is happening, so that might be what you intended.
One thing is that you showed his pov with the "struggling with the truth," but when she kissed him, I didn't get any sense of what he was thinking. I felt he was kind of cold to her and I was hoping for a least a glimmer of desire or kindness before his pride took over.
Definitely want to know more about these characters!
I wish I knew the history of these two, because really, this is one of those chapters-in-the-making kisses that I can't really tell if you did it right or not. I agree with the commas, but you already explained that part. I liked it, but feel sad that he is cold. I wish I could see more, so I guess you did a good job in that regard huh? :)
ReplyDeleteI was confused in the 1st graph. Edan then Eyrna, two names that are too similar jumping at me.
ReplyDeleteI'd be tempted to change one or the other's name.
Maybe giving us a lead in would have helped, but then I see it counted toward the word count and you had some troubles with the system gremlins, so...