Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #30

TITLE: ALL'S FAIR
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Princess Fawn must wed to protect her kingdom. An enemy prince offers peace, but she'd rather kill him and face war than live without the man she loves.

16 comments:

samsevern said...

An excellent story here, short n' punchy. I like that you've used very few words. My suggestion would be to add a very few words of description to help us see Princess Fawn, and the name and a quick description of the man she loves n' must wed.

Cool stuff! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

Azimuth said...

This is short and sweet and conveys a lot of info in few words. However, it makes me think your MC is selfish to send people to their deaths in war so she can personally be happy in marriage. I am hoping that she sees the light and discovers the enemy prince is a really great guy and thus she can save all those innocent lives by accepting the peace offer. If so, it would be one of those "Pride and Prejudice" retellings which would be great. As it is, I don't think the MC comes out as very mature.

Rena said...

First: I love this, and based on that logline, I'd definitely pick up and read a page or two.

That said, I'm concerned with how short this is. It's great to get it down to so few words, but a few more might really help us. There are so few words here that I don't get the conflict. Is she getting to marry the man of her dreams and that's going to start the war? or is she fighting a war to marry the man she loves?

I need more. Still, I like your premise, and I love how the title so clearly ties in. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

She'd rather go to war than accept marrying someone who will bring peace? As a princess, she has grown up knowing she'd one day have to marry for the sake of the kingdom. To have her balk and be willing to go to war makes her seem foolish and selfish.

If you could give us more details about both her and the enemy prince, why she hates him in particular, it would help.

Ginger Tsang said...

I second the comments above that you did an excellent word count job. I would spell it out a bit more clearly if the enemy prince is blackmailing the princess to marry him. We'd all like to say, to heck with the world, I want to be with the nice guy, but if anyone is to relate well to Princess Fawn, we have to feel she is struggling with the ramifications of putting her people at war. There is a lot of drama/tension in this story, we need to feel it in your description as well.

ksmill7 said...

I agree that the logline needs beefed up a little with some strong descriptive words about Princess Fawn and maybe the man she loves. I would just like a little more information about the book before I would pick it up. It sounds a little too generic. Tell the reader what makes your storyline special?

French Lady said...

Very good.

I think that it is all there.

Holly Bodger said...

1. Why would getting married protect her kingdom and is this something she wants? And who is she protecting it from? You can't assume that we understand her motivation.
2. Is the prince offering peace if she marries him or does he somehow have the ability to protect the kingdom whether she marries or not?
3. Why does she want to kill the prince? Is he evil?
4. Who is the man she loves? Is this the one she is supposed to marry or someone else?
5. What war? With who? You really need to identify a clear antagonist if you want us to understand who she is fighting and why.

Good luck!
Holly

Carolyn said...

I agree it's short and sweet, but lacking on crucial details.

Becca said...

Like everyone else, I think this doesn't have enough details. I think it's fairly obvious that unless she marries the prince, he won't give her peace (and she will fail in her duty to protect her kingdom). Then we have a problem--why does she want to kill him? Why can't she just say she doesn't want to marry him?

Also, the reader doesn't know anything except that Princess Fawn has to make a decision. The information that we have right now does not pertain to an entire book; it describes one decision, one action, one (admittedly important) thing. What else happens? Does she get to know the enemy prince better, or does she go on an adventure to enlist the help of another country in the upcoming war? Does she spend the entire book sitting in on peace negotiations? Does she have to contend with the opinions of everyone in the castle, each of whom is intent upon persuading her one way or another? The reader has absolutely no idea. You have one very crucial piece of information here, but it doesn't tell us enough.

I also agree with some other people about Princess Fawn's character. Because she's (presumably) been raised as royalty, she knows the burdens that come with being royalty--one being that responsibilities to your position (and the lives of your people) are more important than personal feelings. Just based on this, Fawn doesn't seem very likable of a character, so I think you should probably add in some more information (or change what you have) so she doesn't come off this way.

I feel like this is a really interesting book, but that your logline doesn't have quite enough information to show us exactly what it's about.

Jessica May Lin said...

I'll have to echo the others and repeat that you did a fantastic job of condensing the plot into 2 sentences. However, I think we need an emotional connection with Princess Fawn. Why is Princess Fawn's kingdom in danger? And tell us more about the enemy prince!

Lyla said...

I agree with everyone else above. This is a pretty good start but it can be even better if you incorporate some of the details (but not too much) that everyone else is asking for.

Dren said...

Great job with presenting the main story. As with everyone a few more words to enhance the MC's position would help.

Jade said...

Love it!

Escape Artist said...

She'd rather? But does she. That's the stuff I want to know. Good stuff just the same.

justjess said...

I went in the completely wrong direction with this original logline, despite the fact that some people like it! Thank you for pointing out issues you had with it, because I can see now that it's emphasizing the wrong parts of the story.