Wednesday, February 25, 2015

First Five Sentences #12

TITLE: The Last Adagio
GENRE: YA Dark Fantasy

When I closed my eyes, I could almost forget everything around me.

Music has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders, of playing your heartstrings and ripple shivers throughout your whole body. Of slowly levitating you away from where you are, a mere suggestion of transcendence. The notes that echoed in the room were like fading promises of impossible things, and you believed them and let them take you wherever they wished.

But then the music ended.


  1. -"ripple" should be "rippling" to match "playing"
    -I love the line "The notes that echoed...impossible things" and "But then the music ended."
    This is a beautiful narrative. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and would definitely read on. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck!

  2. I really liked the imagery you opened with here. The only thing I would change, is like gloriachao mentioned, keeping the right tenses, so your verbs match. Also, and this is just a suggestion, maybe say ' the notes that echoed throughout the room' instead of ' in the room'. I think it gives it a more intense, all over feeling, But that's just my suggestion. I really like it and would read on. Good luck!

  3. I too liked the imagery and it gave us a sense of the fantasy elements that I expect will show up. Agree with prior comments on tenses but I think you are on the right track here - and I'd read more too.

  4. I agree it's lovely, haunting snippet; however, playing by the rules—I don't really think I'm ground in any type of scene. I know the character likes music as a distraction. What I want is some idea of what's going on around her that she needs distraction from.

    I'm also don't know if I'm getting fantasy from this, yet. Lots of people get lost in music, so...

    Detached, abstract openings, while often very pretty, don't really give me anything to hold onto. I'm okay with having something concrete and then moving into some abstract thoughts, but I like to at least know where we are... where the music's coming from... basically anything that lets me start painting a picture.

  5. First off, I really like the title. I have a weakness for music-themed stories, so I would pick this up on title alone. The second paragraph is lovely and fits with the title, but I'm not sure I'd keep reading on. I don't get a sense of the character or setting. I think having a little more context would make the narrator's desire to be lost in the music, and of it ending, much more compelling. Good luck!

  6. Thank you, everyone!

    - I don't even know how I missed that "ripple", oops!

    - Hlbrixey, I completely understand what you mean - I struggled to decide how much abstract description to include, because I think it's important given the plot of the book. Like Casey99 said, there are some hints there of elements that will show up in the future. Of course, you don't know what those are, or what the plot is, so I understand not being grounded in any type of scene.

    But I promise that the following sentences have both setting and character! In the "traditional" first 250 words I think I give a good sense of context.

    But I also think I can make some adjustments to these sentences to include a bit of setting and where the character is.

    Again, thank you so much for your time!

  7. I also like the imagery here, but felt maybe it went on one sentence too long. What if you eliminated the third sentence (Of slowly levitating you away...)? It might be covered by your first sentence, and without it your opening moves more quickly into your story.