GENRE: YA Paranormal
Elam and Corrin share the body that used to belong to Elam alone, and they take turns manifesting. Elam thinks he's going crazy, and Fiona has finally told him the truth.
“So I’m dead.”
She couldn’t call him that. Not with the flush on his cheeks from the fire’s warmth, the soft curve of his mouth, the scent of his skin and his breath and the dried blood from the cut on his arm. He was as fully there as Corrin was.
Elam took Fiona’s face in his hands. “I’m dead, Fiona. Dead, but I can’t die.”
“Elam—”
“How long do Elusu live? How long until I can really die?”
Fiona’s words were less than a whisper. “I don’t want you to die.”
“Say it again.”
“I don’t want you to die.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t want you to die.”
He kissed her. Hungry like he’d waited for a long time and desperate like it would never happen again. It stole her breath. She wove her fingers into his hair and lost herself in his aliveness.
“I love you.” His nose brushed hers, his fingers still warm around her cheeks. “It’s all I know, all I live for every time I come back.”
“Elam—”
“You don’t have to answer. You don’t have to tell me you don’t love me back.”
She kissed him again, feather-soft. Tears stung her eyes, tightened her throat so that she couldn’t speak. How could she love him when she’d already lost him? When every reappearance was a painful reminder that he could never be fully there?
I really liked this. It's clear and conveys the emotion without over telling. I especially like your last sentence--makes me wish I could keep reading. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, but the lead in kind of confused me. If Elam is dead, how is he sharing his own body?
ReplyDeleteElam and Corrin share the body that used to belong to Elam alone, and they take turns manifesting. Elam thinks he's going crazy, and Fiona has finally told him the
truth.
The story, kiss and ending is great. Good job, author.
I have a problem with characters who ask themselves a lot of questions. Especially when they are kissing and crying. I'd like if you rephrased the first questions as statements and then left the last one--especially if it were the chapter end.
ReplyDeleteI have a problem with characters who ask themselves a lot of questions. Especially when they are kissing and crying. I'd like if you rephrased the first questions as statements and then left the last one--especially if it were the chapter end.
ReplyDeleteThis concept is so cool! A few words here trigger the "eye-rolling, eww, mushy" reader in me, but that could just be that I'm a 13-year-old boy in a 27-year-old woman's body: "feather-soft," "universe sing," "lost herself." I think you can keep pushing and find things more specific to this story that will make the scene stronger.
ReplyDeleteThe lead-in didn't clearly explain what was happening, but I'm not going to critique a lead-in since I'm certain it would make sense in context with the whole story. As it stands, this is cleanly written, and you have some good tension between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteI love the lead in to this line: She wove her fingers into his hair and lost herself in his aliveness.
ReplyDeleteThough the word "aliveness" doesn't quite sing for me. Perhaps you could play around with words related to alive, life, etc, and bring in some sensory details. This is a good spot to go deeper into how the character views what it means to be alive, esp given they are sharing bodies! Good luck.
I , too, was a tad confused by the lead in, but after I read the excerpt and re-read the lead in, it became clear. I liked the scene and the pacing, and thought you did a nice job with the details you included in the paragraph where she can't think of him as dead -- with his flushed cheeks, the dried blood on his arm. I'd keep on reading.
ReplyDelete"How could she love him when she’d already lost him?"
ReplyDeleteLovely line. Strong emotion throughout.
I agree with the person above regarding "feather-soft". I think the sentence would be stronger without it.
I agree with all the comments. Great kiss scene. I felt it, especially after the kiss when we really figure out what the stakes are (he's there on and off).
ReplyDeleteThe single word descriptors took me out of the "kissing". I would go back and replace those. You spent some time telling us how he's alive, maybe use some of that instead of "Aliveness". Feather-soft didn't do it for me either.
#1
I sort of love this, and paranormal isn't usually my thing. They're sharing a body . . . so does that make this a bizarre love triangle? I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe writing itself is great. And I'm not a flowery language person, but feather-soft didn't bother me. Love how it ends here.
I need to save my time for other entries that haven't received as many comments, but I just wanted to quickly say that I think this is lovely, and to put my vote in for 'feather-soft', which I think is a nice detail, and 'aliveness', which I find quite effective -- I think it's poetic and conveys exactly what it needs to. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, L.C. -- I fee like you "get" me. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you ALL. It was a last-minute decision to throw this in here, since I didn't get enough entries to fill the round. It was fun resurrecting this story, if only for a few days. Some day I will rewrite and get it back out there.
<3 <3 <3