Wednesday, February 11, 2015

First Kiss #4

TITLE: Kiva's Curse
GENRE: Fiction

Kiva gets really drunk and makes a clumsy first move.

“It’s,” sob, “just,” sob,”so beautiful.” More sobs. “They love each other so much. You don’t find love like that anywhere other than TV and movies.” I sigh, wiping at my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Sure you can,” Justin argues. “It’s just not as easy as Hollywood makes it look.”

“No,” I shake my head, causing the room to tilt. “It doesn’t exist. Hollywood has filled the heads and heart of young girls with this fairy tale ending crap, and it hurts so much when you realize it can’t be real. You want it so badly, you know?” Fresh tears fall down my cheeks. Justin leans over and brushes them away. His hand lingers, gently pressing the side of my face.

“Hey, who says it’s a fairy tale? Maybe you just haven’t looked in the right place yet.”

I lean into his touch, his palm warm against my cheek. Before I have time to talk myself out of it, I press my lips into his. The kiss is firm, dry, and slightly off center. I pull back quickly, my brain having caught up to my traitorous lips. Bad Kiva. He’s Charlie’s, remember?

Justin retreats to his bedroom without another word. The end credits of Full House come on, and I let myself cry until my eyes feel raw. Justin doesn’t come back. I watch another episode of Full House before slinking into my room.


  1. Very nice. The dialogue sounded authentic. It seemed like a very real moment. Crying over Full House - I loved it. Sorry. I didn't really see anything to offer suggestions on. I know that's not particularly helpful.

    1. Thanks! Knowing the dialogue actually sounds authentic is a big help. I always feel like it sounds forced.

  2. HA! I really thought she was crying over some old, sappy movies, but Full House? LOL! I really don't have much to say. It reads fairly easily. I like that the kiss is slightly off center. Nice detail.

  3. This is a cute scene, and I agree that the dialogue feels quite authentic.

    I'm a bit ambivalent about the use of the 'sobs' in italics in the first sentence; it jarred me a bit when I first read it, though obviously it conveys exactly how she's speaking while crying. I wish I could suggest an alternative way you might show this, since I know that's not very helpful, but all I can say is that it looks a tad awkward to me the way it is.

    And just to nitpick, since 'Fiction' alone isn't a genre, I'm guessing you're either not sure of the genre or you meant that it's contemporary mainstream (or 'general fiction', as it says on some agent's lists, although I know it wouldn't be appropriate for an author to use that term in a query!). It sounds like this story may qualify as 'chick lit', but as I understand it that term is a bit out of fashion now -- who knows why? (All that business of subgenres and marketing niches can be quite a mystery, and it's always changing anyway!) :D

    1. Yeah, I think it will fall into Women's Fiction but Kiva carries an old family curse, so there are elements of magic tossed in. Not enough for it to be fantasy or even urban fantasy. Also, I'm going to work on that sob line to make it less jarring. Thanks for reading!