Wednesday, February 11, 2015

First Kiss #7

TITLE: The Spar
GENRE: Adventure, Romance

Naturally, because he was larger, he was stronger than her. But she was quicker. So when he lunged at her and she dodged him with teasing laughter, she knew she was getting the better of him.

Why had this moment taken so long?

Why did they need to have a fake spurring match to unmask their true feelings for each other?

Fighting, she realized was their only form of communication and therapy. So of course, when finally managed to grip her arm and pull her close, she knew she had to figure out some sort of way to free herself from his grasp.

With a frown, she gave him a rough shove and he simply laughed. He laughed that haughty laugh that always drove her insane. Those beautiful white teeth leaped at her, dramatically contrasting with his rust colored skin.

She hated him.

Soon, the laughter stopped and he was looking at her with a straight expression, as if having never seen her before. She bit her bottom lip and his eyes followed an invisible trail to them.

The silence was stifling and she decided that if he didn’t do something soon, she’d just have to take matters into her own hands. Finally, he caught on and just as he leaned in, the grip on her arm loosened and just like that she was out of his grasp and she was gone again. She was, after all, quicker than him.


  1. You do a great job of establishing the tension between your characters. Clearly they are attracted but have trouble communicating this to each other.

    There is a bit of flip flopping of emotion in this scene. Your main character seems to change direction on what she wants but without any catalyst for it. She wonders why it takes them so long to get to this point, she's even on the cusp of taking matters into her own hands, but when he leans in to kiss her, she flees. Why? A more defined thread of emotion and motivation should run through this scene. If she's conflicted, then have her be conflicted from the beginning, and let all of her actions and reactions flow from that. When your characters do things that seem out of step with the emotional state you just established for them, it interferes with the reader's ability to connect with them.

    I'm a big fan of referencing back to an earlier idea to tie a scene up, and you did a great job of using her quickness to bookend this scene.

    Good luck and I think this has a lot of potential!

  2. I'm a little confused. They don't actually kiss here and she was trying to entice him to kiss her, right? I think the fact that his teeth "leaped" at her threw me off a little. I thought he was actually moving in for a kiss there.

    I like how she slips away at the end.

    Yeah, maybe it's just because we're seeing this out of context, but the emotion is a little confusing. When you start with how they spar to unlock their true feelings, I assume they both have feelings for each other. Then she tells us she hates him?

    This is a good start and the action moves well. I think I'd probably really like this character.

  3. I liked the fact that both characters were afraid to show how they really felt, but I thought in the end they actually would have kissed - although it sets up well for when they do actually kiss (they do, don't they?)

    I also thought once his 'beautiful white teeth leaped at her' that he would 'succeed' by kissing her. You may want to change that line to say, 'his beautiful white teeth shone between his lips' or ' she spied his beautiful white teeth' or something that references his mouth and teeth but that makes it clear if he's leaning in to kiss her or not.

    Good luck with your story!

  4. I was also confused if she actually likes him or was using an almost kiss to get herself out of the situation. "Unmask their true feelings" could go either way, which is maybe what you meant to do. I did like how she escaped at the end, since I expected the kiss.

    Not sure you need "therapy" in the "only form of communication" line.

    When his teeth "leaped" at her, it sounded like he would bite her.

    I would combine the first two sentences in the fifth paragraph so that "laughing" isn't repeated.

    You use "just" three times in the last paragraph.

    I loved how your scene ended in the unexpected, as well as the fact that your heroine ultimately had the upper hand.