Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #12

TITLE: Warriors over Darkness and the Unsettled Grave
GENRE: New Adult Urban Fantasy

After hours at the lakefront carnival was a perfect place for bloodshed, especially the kind saddled with revenge.

36 comments:

  1. No.

    I stumbled a bit while reading this one, had to reread the begining because After hours has two meanings there, and I read it with a different perception at first. Imho, needs to be clearer. And the rest didn't really pull me in. Sorry.

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  2. Yes-ish

    I did stumble over this sentence a bit and agree that it needs tightening, but it's intriguing enough that I'd give it a chance.

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  3. Yes

    I do agree it could be tightened to really make it pack a punch (at first i thought After hours meant after they'd spent hours there, not after it closed or after dark) the idea is enough to keep me reading

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  4. No. I had to re-read the "after hours" part as I first read it as "after spending hours at a carnival" instead of "after closing." I also found the phrase "saddled with revenge" a bit over the top. I like the concept, though, and think you could tighten the sentence so it would read easier.

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  5. No. While a revenge murder at a creepy carnival at midnight is definitely intriguing, the phrasing made it feel more melodramatic to me.

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  6. No. I got tripped up by the use of 'after hours'. I went into the sentence thinking it was "After hours at the lakefront carnival, X and Y happened" and then I had to reread it halfway through.

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  7. No - just because I had to read it a few times. The wording was a bit awkward. Although the premise is intriguing!

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  8. No. Like Chro, I got tripped up by the use of "after hours."

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  9. No. This sentence needs reworking. As mentioned above, the "after hours" part is confusing. I also think you are trying to set the mood as dark, but are missing the mark a bit.


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  10. No. I had to read this twice to understand it. It's over written.

    First off, 'after hours' is confusing. It should be hyphenated, after-hours, to make it clear that it is after closing. Or simplify and say after closing.

    Second, 'saddled with revenge'? You're trying too hard.

    Third, The sentence feels like the statement of a thesis. Telling instead of showing.

    It would be more interesting to say it was the perfect time for, MC's name, to seek his revenge. That way you've really told me a lot.

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  11. No. The sentence didn't make sense.

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  12. No, for the same reasons others have mentioned -- after hours is confusing, and "saddled with revenge" doesn't make sense as a figure of speech and seems too melodramatic.

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  13. No. Somewhat generic in concept (e.g., bloodshed and revenge are very common themes and thus don't stand out much on their own). Also "after hours" to me suggests a time, but then it switches to a place.

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  14. No. I stumbled as a read this, plus I didn't think there was anything unique about the opening sentence.

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  15. No. I think it's just the voice doesn't sound unique.

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  16. No. The sentence reads awkward and is passive. It has a lot of potential and with a bit of word-smithing could be a great hook.

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  17. No. The opening 'After hours' caused me to stumble a little and I didn't like being told about the bloodshed and revenge. I'd rather be in the moment than being told about it.

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  18. No, a bit long and makes me think this is something I've already read.

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  19. No--I had to read the first part several times before I understood you were saying after the carnival was closed not that they had spent hours at the carnival. And "saddled with revenge" just sounded off. Like they were going to ride revenge? It doesn't work for me.

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  20. Yes, but I think the sentence needs to be cleaned up. At first I thought it was a prepositional phrase.

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  21. No, for many of the same reasons mentioned above. I had to go back and reread it because I didn't read after hours as after-hours at first.

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  22. LIKE: I've got your setting. I can see it. DISLIKE: Sentence structure?? I don't know how else to put it. Bloodshed saddled with revenge has a nice sound to it but the sentence as a whole needs tightening up.

    The night called for bloodshed saddled with revenge and the lakefront carnival was the perfect place for it.

    Just a thought. Good luck!

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  23. No. I'm a bit confused by the word choice, because "saddled" usually means "burdened," right? How can something be burdened with revenge?

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  24. No. It feels overwritten to me. If you do have a highly melodramatic character, I would start with them, rather than the setting so it's clear that it's their voice talking about the carnival, and not just some overwritten description of the setting.

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  25. Yes, but when I think of a creepy carnival I think of comparisons like revenge as the teddy bear you win or something. Saddled with is a negative statement yet the character seems happy about it, so that just seemed odd to me.

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  26. No
    The sentence doesn't read easily. At first, I thought you meant 'after hours of waiting' it wasn't immediately clear that you meant after the carnival had closed. Just a matter of rewording, I think.

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  27. No. I was thrown off right away. "After-hours" needs the hyphen or else it needs to be reordered. I read it as in "after hours at the lake..." Otherwise, it it's a fairly common premise.

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  28. Not yet. I think you have interesting elements in your line but it's a bit awkward.

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  29. No--I had to read this several times to make sense of it, and I don't have confidence in what will follow. I don't want to struggle through a story, I want to enjoy it.

    Perhaps - The lakefront carnival, after hours, was a perfect place for bloodshed, especially the kind saddled with revenge.

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  30. No. I read this one out loud several times and the wording seems wrong.

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  31. No--had to re-read to get the right "after hours" intent. There are some great words here--lakefront carnival, bloodshed, revenge, that beg for an opening line that shows this rather than passively notes its significance. I think crafting a line that depicts a bloody, busted up carnival, some kind of aftermath, that will give the dark visual hinted here. I don't mind that the character isn't on stage yet, it's the first line. But I think the first line should either intro compelling setting, or show us the character.

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  32. No, this was too convoluted and over-written for me.

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  33. No. I stumbled over 'After hours'. I'm also not sure that you need lakefront as it doesn't add anything to the sentence.

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  34. No. With some tightening, this could be a really intriguing opening, but as written it turns me off. Also, the title is way long.

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