“Don’t puke.” I muttered, remembering just how pissed off the cops and crime scene geeks had been the last time I’d “disturbed” one of their crime scenes.
Yes, because it seems like this is going to be funny. However the full stop after 'puke' should be a comma, and I don't like the repetition of 'crime scene' - change one for something else.
Definitely. A lot of questions are raised here. What's she doing at a crime scene? Why is she at a lot of crime scenes as she alludes to? What is she seeing or smelling that is making her sick?
Not really - it's a little hard-edged for me (puke, pissed, geeks). The scene starts as though it will be the cliche of weak-stomached newbie at crime scene. I might read a little more to see if the writer surprised me by going in a different direction.
Yes. I like that she's trying to puke, I like that she's been to crime scenes before, but it does feel a little tired. I'd be looking to the next sentences to introduce something fresh.
I already voted, but I just wanted to point out to the author that I think the first sentence in the contest you posted in yesterday is punchier than the sentence in this submission. It's still a yes for me and good luck in both contests.
No. It's too wordy, but I do like Autumn2May's suggested edit above. The title grabbed me, though, so I'd be willing to give it a chance--if the sentences that follow are tighter than this one.
I've read a lot of crime scene/mystery books, and I think I feel a bit of a disconnect with the emotion here. I don't think a cop would worry about the others being "pissed" but would fear hurting their pride or looking like a coward/pansy.
Yes, but. Too much repetition (don't need "and crime scene geeks" "cops" conveys the whole idea. Don't need "just." "one of their" could become "a" Great title.
Yes. I agree with Bart (above) about cutting some of the words, but would otherwise continue reading. I'd also think about changing the title. Seems like I've seen this one before.
No. This needs some tightening. Though I do think 'muttered to myself' would help me to realize earlier the main character's not talking to someone nearby.
Yes. I like the voice, the humor, and the title. That said, I do agree that it feels sort of like a common opening/idea. (Also, the period after 'puke' should be a comma.) :)
No. I don't like opening with dialogue. Secondly, I don't know who is going to puke, the narrator or someone else. Consider opening with character to give us some context of who is in the room, and then deliver the line.
No. But probably because of the punctuation issues and because it feels like you've crammed more than one sentence together. Simply starting with her telling herself not to puke is pretty interesting. The rest of it feels infodumpy. Just go on to show the scene.
No--but close. Crime scene is used twice in the opener, so you the phrasing needs to be switched up. I do get the vibe that is being set here, so my suggestion is to expound on the "disturbed" crime scene and just name what happened. I'm hoping it's something kind of nutty; did she step on a dead body in her four-inch Manolos? You can show a glimpse of your character with specific detail; right now this is vague enough that it comes off wordy.
Yes, but I think it could be tighten up (and as other here have said, don't use 'crime' twice). Maybe it should it be "muttered to myself"--it took a moment to realize that the main character wasn't speaking to someone else. Love the use of 'disturbed'!
No--It's an opening that's been done before. Maybe show us the cops getting angry with her for being there, or show us the state of the body. Give us an image we can envision.
Yes. However, I'd have been more drawn in if it was just "Don't puke," I muttered. As a first sentence that would have raised a lot more questions for me.
Yes! I love the voice in this line. Curious to find out what sort of crime scene the MC is seeing!
ReplyDeleteNo, because I feel like I've read this situation in a lot of crime mysteries.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much crowded in there.
ReplyDeleteNo, it's been done already. Nothing new to hook me in.
ReplyDeleteYes, because it seems like this is going to be funny. However the full stop after 'puke' should be a comma, and I don't like the repetition of 'crime scene' - change one for something else.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. A lot of questions are raised here. What's she doing at a crime scene? Why is she at a lot of crime scenes as she alludes to? What is she seeing or smelling that is making her sick?
ReplyDeleteYes. Even if I hadn't read this first page before, it would still be a yes. The voice is fabulous from the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes, I want to know what's going on. I think the sentence might be stronger if you replace "had been" with "were."
ReplyDeleteNot really - it's a little hard-edged for me (puke, pissed, geeks). The scene starts as though it will be the cliche of weak-stomached newbie at crime scene. I might read a little more to see if the writer surprised me by going in a different direction.
ReplyDeleteNo. A little too wordy and I don't like the repetition of "crime scene." What about something like:
ReplyDelete“Don’t puke,” I muttered, remembering how pissed the cops had been the last time I’d disturbed one of their crime scenes.
Yes - between the opening line and the title, I already want to know more.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think this needs to be broken down a bit. A suggestion for an edit:
ReplyDelete“Don’t puke,” I muttered. Last time I 'disturbed' a crime scene the cops and crime scene geeks had been really pissed off.
Yes, because now I'm really curious what's making her want to puke :)
ReplyDeleteNo. Wordy and common.
ReplyDeleteYes. It made me laugh and curious to know more.
ReplyDeleteNo. While I enjoyed the overall thrust, there wasn't enough context to make sense of it, mainly regarding who "I" is.
ReplyDeleteYes, I love "Don't puke," change the crime scene geeks or forensic geeks though to prevent word repetition.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like that she's trying to puke, I like that she's been to crime scenes before, but it does feel a little tired. I'd be looking to the next sentences to introduce something fresh.
ReplyDeleteI already voted, but I just wanted to point out to the author that I think the first sentence in the contest you posted in yesterday is punchier than the sentence in this submission. It's still a yes for me and good luck in both contests.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's too wordy, but I do like Autumn2May's suggested edit above. The title grabbed me, though, so I'd be willing to give it a chance--if the sentences that follow are tighter than this one.
ReplyDeleteHmm, I went back and forth on this. I'll say "yes" because I like the voice, but I do feel it gets a bit too wordy.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence... but i think no.
ReplyDeleteI've read a lot of crime scene/mystery books, and I think I feel a bit of a disconnect with the emotion here. I don't think a cop would worry about the others being "pissed" but would fear hurting their pride or looking like a coward/pansy.
Yes, but. Too much repetition (don't need "and crime scene geeks" "cops" conveys the whole idea. Don't need "just." "one of their" could become "a" Great title.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree with Bart (above) about cutting some of the words, but would otherwise continue reading. I'd also think about changing the title. Seems like I've seen this one before.
ReplyDeleteNo... Too clunky and as others have said the repetition of "crime scene" is jarring. Tighten it up and it might work.
ReplyDeleteNo. This needs some tightening. Though I do think 'muttered to myself' would help me to realize earlier the main character's not talking to someone nearby.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice, the humor, and the title. That said, I do agree that it feels sort of like a common opening/idea. (Also, the period after 'puke' should be a comma.) :)
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteFeels like it's been done before.
No. I don't like opening with dialogue. Secondly, I don't know who is going to puke, the narrator or someone else. Consider opening with character to give us some context of who is in the room, and then deliver the line.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice. I think the first period should be a comma though, right? And maybe there's a way to avoid repeating "crime scene"?
ReplyDeleteNo. But probably because of the punctuation issues and because it feels like you've crammed more than one sentence together. Simply starting with her telling herself not to puke is pretty interesting. The rest of it feels infodumpy. Just go on to show the scene.
ReplyDeleteYes. I enjoyed the strong voice in this opening, but would like to see it revised to avoid the echo of 'crime scene'.
ReplyDeleteNo. I prefer the version in your Summer Pitchfest entry.
ReplyDeleteNo--but close. Crime scene is used twice in the opener, so you the phrasing needs to be switched up. I do get the vibe that is being set here, so my suggestion is to expound on the "disturbed" crime scene and just name what happened. I'm hoping it's something kind of nutty; did she step on a dead body in her four-inch Manolos? You can show a glimpse of your character with specific detail; right now this is vague enough that it comes off wordy.
ReplyDeleteI like where you're going but no, not quite.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I think it could be tighten up (and as other here have said, don't use 'crime' twice). Maybe it should it be "muttered to myself"--it took a moment to realize that the main character wasn't speaking to someone else. Love the use of 'disturbed'!
ReplyDeleteNo. This doesn't feel fresh to me.
ReplyDeleteNo: I like the light humor, but it's too long and not particularly special/compelling.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the humor in what is not a humorous situation.
ReplyDeleteNo--It's an opening that's been done before. Maybe show us the cops getting angry with her for being there, or show us the state of the body. Give us an image we can envision.
ReplyDeleteYes, puking at a prior crime scene drew me in.
ReplyDeleteYes. However, I'd have been more drawn in if it was just "Don't puke," I muttered. As a first sentence that would have raised a lot more questions for me.
ReplyDeleteYes, I like the voice and want to know more.
ReplyDelete