Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #20

TITLE: Wishing
GENRE: YA fantasy

The man sitting across from me on the faded motel bedspread wants a complete overhaul.

40 comments:

  1. Yes - I'm unsure what you mean by 'complete overhaul,' but even though I felt a little confused, I was intrigued to keep reading, to learn what 'overhaul' means in your world.

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  2. No

    I don't know what's going on. An overhaul of what? What man? Who's speaking? I just feel lost and ungrounded. And the present tense threw me out a bit

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  3. Yes.

    BUT, if this is YA then you've presumably got a teenager here on the bed with a grown man in a seedy motel room. Might want to rethink a detail or two there. Raised my creeper-hackles.

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  4. No.

    Too vague for me, and as mentioned before, if it's YA what is a teen doing alone in a motel with a presumably unknown man. And overhaul of what? Sometimes questions make me want to read more, but this one left me a bit unintrigued somehow. Just my personal opinion.

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  5. No. I agree with the others about the creep-factor, and not knowing what is being "overhaul"ed.

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  6. Yes. Mainly because I want questions answered; the rest of the paragraph will determine if I keep reading.

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  7. Yes, BECAUSE I want to know what a teen is doing alone in a motel with a presumably unknown man. Specify what "overhaul" means, though I took it to mean he's unkempt and unattractive. She seems oddly casual about this encounter, which is interesting enough for me to keep reading.

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  8. No. I'm not sure what a complete overhaul is.

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  9. No. I don't know what's going on, and I'm not sure I want to.

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  10. Yes - just because I'm intrigued as to what the heck is going on here. Kind of has me disturbed lol

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  11. No. While a man wanting a complete overhaul is interesting, the sentence itself feels too wordy or something. I think the mention of the faded bedsheets is getting in the way of a more succinct line.

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  12. No. Too vague. I want a detail or two about the man or the narrator, not the bedspread. Save that detail for the next sentence(s).

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  13. Yes. I want to find out what a complete overhaul is.

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  14. No. The only thing I get any detail of is the bedspread. I don't know what's important here, what's going on, or what the character is like, although I suspect this is leading somewhere interesting. What most hooks me is character.

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  15. No. Why are they sitting on a bedspread? Overhaul of what?

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  16. No. Reads awkward. The important hook is at the end of the sentence and the details in between get in the way.

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  17. Yes, it makes me want to know what kind of overhaul.

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  18. Yes. Enough details to have me intrigued enough to read more.

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  19. No.

    I don't know what "overhaul" means. Which would normally be okay. But I dunno, I guess I'm weirded out that this MC (I picture a young girl) is in this nasty motel room with a man (presumably older) who wants a "complete overhaul."

    Gross?

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  20. Yes. I'd read on only to find out what a complete overhaul is--but I have to admit, it kind of worries me that it might be something I don't want to know. LOL

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  21. No. Teenage on a motel bed with a man kicked in the creep-factor.

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  22. Yes! I like this first line very much. My mind didn't go down creepy street at all. It makes me think that this person (girl -even though it could be a boy!) is giving people fashion make-overs as a way to make money. A cool idea...if that's not your idea, let me know! I'm gonna use it!

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  23. Yes. I got the same creep-factor vibe, but you genre reassured me. I want to know what's going on. The present tense also threw me a bit too.

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  24. Yes, because I'm wondering about the overhaul. But I'm reading with one eye shut because I'm a little icked out that we're meeting this man on a hotel bed.

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  25. No
    Does 'overhaul' mean makeover. You lost me with that...

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  26. No. Teen plus grown man plus motel bed is Yuck, even for fantasy. If you're not going for sexual, put them in chairs.

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  27. Qualified yes. I liked the voice, and the intrigue of what exactly a complete overhaul is. Consider cutting 'faded' and 'spread'. They don't add much and take away some of the punch of the sentence.

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  28. Yes. It's not perfect but certainly intriguing - I'd read on.

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  29. Overhaul? Well of course I'd have to read the next sentence because I want to know what sort of overhaul.

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  30. No - I'm confused, not sure what you mean by "overhaul". Sounds like a makeover, but the context sounds like the viewpoint character might be a prostitute and it might be intended as sexual. Just not sure the metaphor works.

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  31. No. It just doesn't do it for me. 'On the faded motel bedspread' stretches the sentence too long. It feels shoehorned in to make the sentence more interesting, so that it will stand up in a 'first line' competition.

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  32. No. This faded motel bedspread makes me feel a little creeped out, as does the grown man on it beside this teen protagonist. I'm with the others, too, about "complete overhaul" being a bit too vague.

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  33. Yes, but barely. Because it's fantasy, I'm curious about what kind of overhaul we're talking about here.

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  34. Yes- because I want to know who this girl is who allows herself to end up in a seedy motel with an older man who wants an overhaul. My first thought is sex, but since this is fantasy, I'm thinking it may mean something else, or that she might not even really be there. Maybe it's something virtual. I can imagine a lot of different things, so I'd read more to see what the situation really is.


    The sentence itself could be better. Maybe start with her instead of the man. I sit on . . .

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  35. No--overhaul of what? My mind immediately went seedy; man, hotel, YA...yikes. Not sure what the intention is here. I would start with something more clear.

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  36. Yes, this has an interesting setting and makes me want to know what she is talking about!

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  37. No. I don't understand what you mean by "wants a complete overhaul".

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  38. OW! Yes.

    Complete overhaul? Is she a hooker? While I am supremely curious, I am also laughing at the image and the construct of the sentence.
    Way to go.

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