Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #22

TITLE: MUTINY ON THE NAPOLEON
GENRE: SF

Mac’s face burned as she opened her eyes.


34 comments:

  1. No.
    Only because I worry that Mac is waking up here. And I'm always leery about a first scene where the MC is opening their eyes and waking up.

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  2. No. Feels like she's waking up even if she isn't.

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  3. No - I think that more can be done with this sentence since it's fairly short. Perhaps show us a little more about Mac's surroundings, what she's opening her eyes to. Show us why her face is burning, if that' s important. I love your title, though, and am certain you have an intriguing premise!

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  4. No.

    I agree with the above comments that even if she's not waking up, starting a book with the MC opening their eyes feels overdone. I also love the title, though!

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  5. No.

    Those feel like conflicting images. Is her face on fire? If so, she's definitely not opening her eyes, I hope. Is she blushing? Has someone thrown acid on her? Way too much ambiguity to make it interesting. With scifi I'm open to just about anything, so you have to be pretty specific early on what you do or don't mean with any words that could be taken more than one way.

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  6. No

    I'm not big on stories that stat witho someone waking up or opening their eyes. And i don't really have any details about why her face is burning (which i assume we'd find out) or what kind of burning etc. I just don't feel grounded

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  7. gah. so many typos in my last comment. Sorry everyone! Sorry!

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  8. No. If she's waking up, that's bad. Would her eyes be burning if she wasn't opening them? I don't care.

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  9. No. Too often stories start with a character waking up/opening eyes. Maybe skip that line and just show as what she see and what state she's in.

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  10. No. The face burning was interesting, but I could have seen much more if her eyes were already open.

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  11. No. I agree with the others about "waking up/opening her eyes." I'm also not sure how literal the face burning is - is she on fire? under a sunlamp? embarassed? I feel like I need more information to want to read on.

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  12. No. I don't understand how opening her eyes can make her face burn.

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  13. No. I feel bad adding another no, but the sentence throws us in the middle of something and doesn't offer any information. I like her name.

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  14. No - I feel like I just need to know a bit more of what's going on. I feel it falls a bit flat?

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  15. No. I have no grounding in the character yet, so having someone I don't know open their eyes isn't a stong grab to continue forward.

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  16. No. I'm a bit interested as to why her face is burning, but I have no idea what's going on and there isn't much to pull me onwards.

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  17. No, but the title alludes to quite a story.

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  18. No. It's kinda clunky. I keep wanting to read it as cause and effect -- the burning wakes her up or waking up causes the burning -- but neither one makes sense. I can't suggest how to rearrange it because I'm not sure what it's supposed to be saying.

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  19. No, it's too generic and simple. Your story starts somewhere else possibly three chapters in.

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  20. No.

    It's not really telling us anything. "Burned" just seems like a generic word too.

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  21. I'm curious but I need a teeny bit more. It is a yes but I need the next sentence to be great too.

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  22. No. I'm not that intrigued by someone opening their eyes--even with the burning face (which I suspect is more from embarrassment than from her face actually burning from fire or acid or something which makes it even less interesting). Sorry.

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  23. Yes. I'm vaguely curious. It would depend on what happens in the next sentence.

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  24. No. Not enough context. Was her face literally burning? If so, her reaction seems pretty casual.

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  25. No--I think this is a good line for a draft, but you can push for more. Wow us! The title gives me all these impressions and vibes, I think you can work on finding something really engaging.

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  26. Yes - I'd probably skim the next few sentences to see if it got more interesting, but this on it's own wouldn't draw me in. It's short though, and hasn't put me off yet.

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  27. No - was it burning before she opened her eyes? Or did it start as she opened her eyes?

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  28. No. What does the burning face have to do with her opening her eyes? I have the same questions as the comment just above me.

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  29. No. There's not enough here to latch onto. Is her face burning with embarassment? Acid? Fire? Lasers? The sun? It's SF so I have no clue and it's not enough to make me care about the situation.

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  30. No. It doesn't give any indication of anything. Maybe tell us what she sees when she opens her eyes, or why her face burns.

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  31. No. Her face burning and opening her eyes seem like to totally unrelated issues that I can't jell together in my head.

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