TITLE: Where All the Missing Pieces Go
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Waiting before the closed doors of Lord and Lady Crocket’s dining room, I could only think of one possible explanation for why I’d been summoned: they were kicking me out.
Yes because I want to know why the MC is going to get kicked out or why they think they might get kicked out, but I do think you can tighten this sentence a little bit.
YES because the main character feels like the right age for the genre, and I wonder what sort of trouble they've gotten themselves into, for this very serious event to happen.
Yes, BUT it's long and maybe has too much info in it. I like that I get setting and characters and conflict in it, but you'd also hook me with just: I could only think of one possible explanation for why I’d been summoned: they were kicking me out.
Yes, definitely. I want to know why the character's been summoned and why they think they're being thrown out. This assumption also reveals a little character, a sympathetic and worried one.
No. It took to long to get to the interesting part. My eyes had already started to glaze over by the time you got to the part about being kicked out. And because you started out with a long sentence, It makes me think you probably have more of the same throughout the manuscript.
Not so much. I realize this is only one sentence but I don't 'see' nervous. And I don't know this character so I don't care yet that she's about to be tossed out on her rump with nothing but the clothes on her back (if that).
Yes, Why are they being kicked out? Did they do something, miss something, say the wrong thing? Are they a servant or guest? I have questions and want to read on.
YES. I immediately want to know more about what she did to make her think she might get kicked out, as well as what she's getting kicked out of. Nice job!
Yes. But I'd lose "closed". It read to me as "waiting before the closed" and threw me. It's easily assumed that if you're waiting before doors they're closed, so I'd just drop it.
Yes. Even though it's a long sentence—possibly a little too long, but not necessarily—I thought it was tight. Plus, I'm curious about whether she'll get kicked out or not (and why that is her first assumption).
Yes--this gives enough detail and context without overstaying its welcome. I think the sentence could also work starting with "I could only think of one thing while I waited..." etc, but that's more of a personal preference.
Yes, but it starts with a bit of an 'old-fashioned' fantasy feel, and then it gets a snappy, contemporary feel in the second half. The contrast was sort of cool, sort of clunky. Is there any way you can put the whole thing in one voice? Just something to think about. :)
Yes because I want to know why the MC is going to get kicked out or why they think they might get kicked out, but I do think you can tighten this sentence a little bit.
ReplyDeleteYes! From this sentence, I'm intrigued to find out what sort of predicament the MC has gotten into!
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteYou immediately paint a picture of the setting and time period. And we instantly understand a conflict is brewing. Well done.
YES because the main character feels like the right age for the genre, and I wonder what sort of trouble they've gotten themselves into, for this very serious event to happen.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm curious as to why the MC thinks so and if it really is the reason for the summons.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too bulky.
ReplyDeleteYes - I want to know why she's being kicked out!
ReplyDeleteYes, want to know more. Nice title too.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice - it sounds like a teen without being too over-the-top snarky. And I want to know why she (?) thinks she is being kicked out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I didn't really care for the sentence structure; it felt like you were shoving too much in there.
ReplyDeleteYes, - a little long, but I absolutely love the voice.
ReplyDeleteYes, I want to know why the MC thinks they are being kick out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I also felt you were showing too much and it was bulky. Too many details right off the bat obscures your punchline - that they're kicking her out.
ReplyDeleteYes. This immediately sets the scene and reveals a bit of the conflict and character. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYes. But I must say, when I read the name Crocket, I immediately thought of Davy Crocket.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too wordy.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much stuffed in there. Plus, I wonder why she's standing outside the door wondering instead of just going in and finding out.
ReplyDeleteYes. Could easily picture this, both in terms of setting and situation.
ReplyDeleteYes. Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYes, BUT it's long and maybe has too much info in it. I like that I get setting and characters and conflict in it, but you'd also hook me with just:
ReplyDeleteI could only think of one possible explanation for why I’d been summoned: they were kicking me out.
Yes - story building direction right from the start.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely. I want to know why the character's been summoned and why they think they're being thrown out. This assumption also reveals a little character, a sympathetic and worried one.
ReplyDeleteNo. It took to long to get to the interesting part. My eyes had already started to glaze over by the time you got to the part about being kicked out. And because you started out with a long sentence, It makes me think you probably have more of the same throughout the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteYes. But perhaps you could tighten up the sentence a bit?
ReplyDeleteNo. I found the sentence too bulky.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great job setting the stage.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'd replace the colon with a period. That would pull me in better, wondering why she'd been summoned.
ReplyDeleteNot so much. I realize this is only one sentence but I don't 'see' nervous. And I don't know this character so I don't care yet that she's about to be tossed out on her rump with nothing but the clothes on her back (if that).
ReplyDeleteYes. I already feel bad for the mc!
ReplyDeleteYes. I can picture it nicely.
ReplyDeleteYes, Why are they being kicked out? Did they do something, miss something, say the wrong thing? Are they a servant or guest? I have questions and want to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteSentence is too long and reads awkwardly. Needs to be cut and simplified.
YES. I immediately want to know more about what she did to make her think she might get kicked out, as well as what she's getting kicked out of. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteYes. But I'd lose "closed". It read to me as "waiting before the closed" and threw me. It's easily assumed that if you're waiting before doors they're closed, so I'd just drop it.
ReplyDeleteYes but a little rewording might offer more power.
ReplyDeleteYes--but a weak yes. Try - They were kicking me out - it was the only reason Lord and Lady Crocket would summon me.
ReplyDeleteIt's cleaner and to the point, and the important information comes first instead of being buried at the end of a long, overwordy sentence.
Yes. Even though it's a long sentence—possibly a little too long, but not necessarily—I thought it was tight. Plus, I'm curious about whether she'll get kicked out or not (and why that is her first assumption).
ReplyDeleteNo. I feel like it's trying to do too much for a first line.
ReplyDeleteYes--this gives enough detail and context without overstaying its welcome. I think the sentence could also work starting with "I could only think of one thing while I waited..." etc, but that's more of a personal preference.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it starts with a bit of an 'old-fashioned' fantasy feel, and then it gets a snappy, contemporary feel in the second half. The contrast was sort of cool, sort of clunky. Is there any way you can put the whole thing in one voice? Just something to think about. :)
ReplyDeleteYes. But, I'd leave out 'closed'. I think I would have been more intrigued if you'd stopped at summoned.
ReplyDelete