Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #30

TITLE: Middledom
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy

Due to unfortunate events involving the League of Fairy Godmothers at her sister Lily's christianing, Princess Violet failed to receive any fairy blessings on the advent of her birth.

44 comments:

  1. Yes! I love this. It's great MG voice and you are already drawing the reader into the problem for the MC right off the bat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, I love everything about it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, this sounds like a lot of fun. But the word is 'christening'.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No. But only because I got an immediate flashback to "The Ordinary Princess" by M.M. Kaye and it sounded so similar I'd rather go read that instead.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes, sounds fun, and I love princesses and fairy godmothers.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No. The word 'christening' was misspelled and I felt there was too much packed into one sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No. Though I love princesses and fairy godmothers, the sentence was too long, and a bit too formal for my taste.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes, but it might be a bit convoluted for MG

    ReplyDelete
  9. No. I like the premise, but I think the sentence was too long and convoluted for MG. Also the misspelling of "christening."

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes - I want to know what the unfortunate events were.
    I'd consider changing the word "advent" and "christening/christianing" because it's MG - don't want to lose a young audience for words they don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No. It's clever, but there is too much information in this sentence. You need to par it down so it's easier to digest.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes, totally love this! Great voice, even in the first sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No, but it's almost a yes. The voice is close, but it's too wordy. Misspelling a word in the first sentence is a little hard to overlook.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No. Liked the humour and the overall idea, but for me the sentence itself has too much crammed in to follow.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yes. It was a lot to take in though and the christening (spelling) is traditionally done within a few weeks of birth. How would her sister's chrisening directly affect the day of Violet's birth?
    Also, advent makes this way to formal. Arrival would work just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes. A good, wacky MG opening, although a little heavy on the info. Also, it's spelled 'christening'.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yes, IF you use only this:

    Princess Violet failed to receive any fairy blessings on the advent of her birth.

    Otherwise it's a little long with too much information.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No. I read "Due to..." and immediately wanted to stop. Also "christening" is spelled incorrectly - which I missed the first time around because I glazed over. Still, I have a feeling this gets better as it goes on. Lastly, it reminded me somewhat of MG fantasy "Iron Hearted Violet," so you may want to check that out.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No. Sentence structure and vocabulary don't seem MG.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yes.

    I really liked the formal word choices and arrangement. It really kicks the humor up a notch

    ReplyDelete
  21. No (sorry!)

    I had to stop and think about the line after reading it.

    Three names were introduced at once.

    And why is Violet a princess but Lily isn't? It says they are sisters.

    "Advent of her birth" is also a phrase I'm not familiar with.

    If I have to think this much in the first line, it makes the rest of the book seem a bit daunting.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No, unfortunately. I do like the voice here, but I feel as if its a bit too wordy. Premise sounds interesting though right off the bat.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No. I think you can start the first sentence right at "Princess Violet ..." to the period and that's a good opener. The rest is Is too much detail to start. I also had trouble with advent of her birth. What does that mean? Otherwise i think it's intriguing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No.I feel like it starts of telling. A lot.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No. This premise did not sound unique enough and the first line needs to be shortened. The voice was good though. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. No. This is backstory. What's happening *right now*?

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. I liked the voice in the opening, but "the advent of her birth" feels a bit too formal. Also, the way "christening" was spelled "christianing" made me question whether it was a mistake or if it was some story-specific term you'd invented for this project. The formality of it, too, makes me wonder how the rest of the novel will read—is it all written like this, or does it evolve into a more natural narrator's voice? All of this makes me feel a little unsettled from the get-go. If it were tighter, I'd keep reading, because the story itself sounds like it could be fun. :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Qualified yes. Consider cutting 'at her sister Lily's christianing'. That would make the sentence snappier. It is back story we want to know, and we will keep reading to find out.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No
    Way to much in one sentence and 'christening' is misspelled.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yes. Haha. Should be an interesting sibling dynamic and a fun story world.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Yes. Made me giggle. Only thing I'd suggest is leaving out "Lily". We're just learning the names and this draws attention to Lily before Violet. You want us focused on the main character right away. Also, I wonder if you couldn't leave out "fairy" in "fairy blessings" too. With the League already mentioned, the "fairy" part of the blessings is assumed. But I love everything else about it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No. It took me too long to figure out that Lily was an older sister, because it wasn't clear who "her birth" referred to. I know this is a problem of English, rather than your idea, but it was too much of a stumbling block for me. I have the sense you're shooting for a sort of mock-Jane Austen high-princess feel, and that did draw me in. But the opener needs to be trimmed :)

    Hope this helps!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Yes, though I think you can leave out "at her sister's christening" and it reads stronger.

    ReplyDelete
  34. No. It's too long and convoluted. Also, there's the misspelling of christening, as mentioned, and I don't think "advent of her birth" means what you're trying to say.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yes, but I immediately think of Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted and though your story will be different, I think I'd find a way to set myself apart. Nice voice.

    ReplyDelete
  36. No. But it's barely a no. This has the potential to be really cute, but I found this opening line too wordy. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  37. No. It´s too wordy, too many ideas in one sentence. Plus, i´m not really sure about the narrator. It´s a cute idea, but is that what the narrator will sound like through the whole book?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Almost. I felt like you're trying to include too much. I would have been more intrigued to have the second half as the first line. Would make me wonder why she didn't get any blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  39. No: feels like two sentences squeezed into one.

    ReplyDelete
  40. No--The premise sounds fun, but there's much too much in the opening sentence, it's not well constructed, and you've misspelled christening, which doesn't give me confidence enough to read on.

    Perhaps turn the sentence around, and make it two sentences.

    Princess Violet failed to receive any blessings on the advent of her birth.

    Put this first, because it's the most important information in the opening, then follow it with the cause. Don't say unfortunate events, because that's vague. Say what those unfortunate events were.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Yes, but just barely. Dropping a few modifiers would make it much stronger. I also agree with Barbara's advice. Best of luck with it!

    ReplyDelete