Due to unfortunate events involving the League of Fairy Godmothers at her sister Lily's christianing, Princess Violet failed to receive any fairy blessings on the advent of her birth.
Yes - I want to know what the unfortunate events were. I'd consider changing the word "advent" and "christening/christianing" because it's MG - don't want to lose a young audience for words they don't know.
Yes. It was a lot to take in though and the christening (spelling) is traditionally done within a few weeks of birth. How would her sister's chrisening directly affect the day of Violet's birth? Also, advent makes this way to formal. Arrival would work just fine.
No. I read "Due to..." and immediately wanted to stop. Also "christening" is spelled incorrectly - which I missed the first time around because I glazed over. Still, I have a feeling this gets better as it goes on. Lastly, it reminded me somewhat of MG fantasy "Iron Hearted Violet," so you may want to check that out.
No. I think you can start the first sentence right at "Princess Violet ..." to the period and that's a good opener. The rest is Is too much detail to start. I also had trouble with advent of her birth. What does that mean? Otherwise i think it's intriguing.
No. I liked the voice in the opening, but "the advent of her birth" feels a bit too formal. Also, the way "christening" was spelled "christianing" made me question whether it was a mistake or if it was some story-specific term you'd invented for this project. The formality of it, too, makes me wonder how the rest of the novel will read—is it all written like this, or does it evolve into a more natural narrator's voice? All of this makes me feel a little unsettled from the get-go. If it were tighter, I'd keep reading, because the story itself sounds like it could be fun. :)
Qualified yes. Consider cutting 'at her sister Lily's christianing'. That would make the sentence snappier. It is back story we want to know, and we will keep reading to find out.
Yes. Made me giggle. Only thing I'd suggest is leaving out "Lily". We're just learning the names and this draws attention to Lily before Violet. You want us focused on the main character right away. Also, I wonder if you couldn't leave out "fairy" in "fairy blessings" too. With the League already mentioned, the "fairy" part of the blessings is assumed. But I love everything else about it.
No. It took me too long to figure out that Lily was an older sister, because it wasn't clear who "her birth" referred to. I know this is a problem of English, rather than your idea, but it was too much of a stumbling block for me. I have the sense you're shooting for a sort of mock-Jane Austen high-princess feel, and that did draw me in. But the opener needs to be trimmed :)
No. It's too long and convoluted. Also, there's the misspelling of christening, as mentioned, and I don't think "advent of her birth" means what you're trying to say.
Yes, but I immediately think of Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted and though your story will be different, I think I'd find a way to set myself apart. Nice voice.
No. It´s too wordy, too many ideas in one sentence. Plus, i´m not really sure about the narrator. It´s a cute idea, but is that what the narrator will sound like through the whole book?
Almost. I felt like you're trying to include too much. I would have been more intrigued to have the second half as the first line. Would make me wonder why she didn't get any blessings.
No--The premise sounds fun, but there's much too much in the opening sentence, it's not well constructed, and you've misspelled christening, which doesn't give me confidence enough to read on.
Perhaps turn the sentence around, and make it two sentences.
Princess Violet failed to receive any blessings on the advent of her birth.
Put this first, because it's the most important information in the opening, then follow it with the cause. Don't say unfortunate events, because that's vague. Say what those unfortunate events were.
Yes! I love this. It's great MG voice and you are already drawing the reader into the problem for the MC right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteYes, I love everything about it.
ReplyDeleteYes, this sounds like a lot of fun. But the word is 'christening'.
ReplyDeleteNo. But only because I got an immediate flashback to "The Ordinary Princess" by M.M. Kaye and it sounded so similar I'd rather go read that instead.
ReplyDeleteYes, sounds fun, and I love princesses and fairy godmothers.
ReplyDeleteNo. The word 'christening' was misspelled and I felt there was too much packed into one sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. Though I love princesses and fairy godmothers, the sentence was too long, and a bit too formal for my taste.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it might be a bit convoluted for MG
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the premise, but I think the sentence was too long and convoluted for MG. Also the misspelling of "christening."
ReplyDeleteYes - I want to know what the unfortunate events were.
ReplyDeleteI'd consider changing the word "advent" and "christening/christianing" because it's MG - don't want to lose a young audience for words they don't know.
No. It's clever, but there is too much information in this sentence. You need to par it down so it's easier to digest.
ReplyDeleteYes, totally love this! Great voice, even in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's almost a yes. The voice is close, but it's too wordy. Misspelling a word in the first sentence is a little hard to overlook.
ReplyDeleteNo. Liked the humour and the overall idea, but for me the sentence itself has too much crammed in to follow.
ReplyDeleteYes. It was a lot to take in though and the christening (spelling) is traditionally done within a few weeks of birth. How would her sister's chrisening directly affect the day of Violet's birth?
ReplyDeleteAlso, advent makes this way to formal. Arrival would work just fine.
Yes. A good, wacky MG opening, although a little heavy on the info. Also, it's spelled 'christening'.
ReplyDeleteYes, IF you use only this:
ReplyDeletePrincess Violet failed to receive any fairy blessings on the advent of her birth.
Otherwise it's a little long with too much information.
No. I read "Due to..." and immediately wanted to stop. Also "christening" is spelled incorrectly - which I missed the first time around because I glazed over. Still, I have a feeling this gets better as it goes on. Lastly, it reminded me somewhat of MG fantasy "Iron Hearted Violet," so you may want to check that out.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sentence structure and vocabulary don't seem MG.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the formal word choices and arrangement. It really kicks the humor up a notch
No (sorry!)
ReplyDeleteI had to stop and think about the line after reading it.
Three names were introduced at once.
And why is Violet a princess but Lily isn't? It says they are sisters.
"Advent of her birth" is also a phrase I'm not familiar with.
If I have to think this much in the first line, it makes the rest of the book seem a bit daunting.
No, unfortunately. I do like the voice here, but I feel as if its a bit too wordy. Premise sounds interesting though right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think you can start the first sentence right at "Princess Violet ..." to the period and that's a good opener. The rest is Is too much detail to start. I also had trouble with advent of her birth. What does that mean? Otherwise i think it's intriguing.
ReplyDeleteNo.I feel like it starts of telling. A lot.
ReplyDeleteNo. This premise did not sound unique enough and the first line needs to be shortened. The voice was good though. :)
ReplyDeleteNo. This is backstory. What's happening *right now*?
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the voice in the opening, but "the advent of her birth" feels a bit too formal. Also, the way "christening" was spelled "christianing" made me question whether it was a mistake or if it was some story-specific term you'd invented for this project. The formality of it, too, makes me wonder how the rest of the novel will read—is it all written like this, or does it evolve into a more natural narrator's voice? All of this makes me feel a little unsettled from the get-go. If it were tighter, I'd keep reading, because the story itself sounds like it could be fun. :)
ReplyDeleteQualified yes. Consider cutting 'at her sister Lily's christianing'. That would make the sentence snappier. It is back story we want to know, and we will keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteWay to much in one sentence and 'christening' is misspelled.
Yes. Haha. Should be an interesting sibling dynamic and a fun story world.
ReplyDeleteYes. Made me giggle. Only thing I'd suggest is leaving out "Lily". We're just learning the names and this draws attention to Lily before Violet. You want us focused on the main character right away. Also, I wonder if you couldn't leave out "fairy" in "fairy blessings" too. With the League already mentioned, the "fairy" part of the blessings is assumed. But I love everything else about it.
ReplyDeleteNo. It took me too long to figure out that Lily was an older sister, because it wasn't clear who "her birth" referred to. I know this is a problem of English, rather than your idea, but it was too much of a stumbling block for me. I have the sense you're shooting for a sort of mock-Jane Austen high-princess feel, and that did draw me in. But the opener needs to be trimmed :)
ReplyDeleteHope this helps!
Yes, though I think you can leave out "at her sister's christening" and it reads stronger.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's too long and convoluted. Also, there's the misspelling of christening, as mentioned, and I don't think "advent of her birth" means what you're trying to say.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I immediately think of Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted and though your story will be different, I think I'd find a way to set myself apart. Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it's barely a no. This has the potential to be really cute, but I found this opening line too wordy. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love it all.
ReplyDeleteYes. The wording is charming.
ReplyDeleteNo. It´s too wordy, too many ideas in one sentence. Plus, i´m not really sure about the narrator. It´s a cute idea, but is that what the narrator will sound like through the whole book?
ReplyDeleteAlmost. I felt like you're trying to include too much. I would have been more intrigued to have the second half as the first line. Would make me wonder why she didn't get any blessings.
ReplyDeleteNo: feels like two sentences squeezed into one.
ReplyDeleteNo--The premise sounds fun, but there's much too much in the opening sentence, it's not well constructed, and you've misspelled christening, which doesn't give me confidence enough to read on.
ReplyDeletePerhaps turn the sentence around, and make it two sentences.
Princess Violet failed to receive any blessings on the advent of her birth.
Put this first, because it's the most important information in the opening, then follow it with the cause. Don't say unfortunate events, because that's vague. Say what those unfortunate events were.
Yes, but just barely. Dropping a few modifiers would make it much stronger. I also agree with Barbara's advice. Best of luck with it!
ReplyDelete