Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #3

TITLE: SICK
GENRE: YA Contemporary

I sit in the back of class, where no one can breathe on me.

50 comments:

  1. This is mostly a yes. I like the 'where no one can breath on me' but is this dire? Is this a cumpultion? Is this an absolute Monk-like need. Or is it just people breathing on my neck bugs me?

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  2. Yes, because of the "no one can breathe on me." It's a different take on things. I'd read on to find out what and why.

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  3. No.
    While the no one can breathe on me is interesting, the fact that she is in class is a bit ordinary.

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  4. No. It might have been a yes if not for that comma.

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  5. Yes. We know there's a problem from the start. But I would drop the comma.

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  6. Yes. Agree with the others about the comma, but I want to know why the MC doesn't want people breathing on them.

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  7. Torn, but i'll say yes because I just want to know what the MC's issue is.

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  8. Afraid this is a no for me, but that may be subjective in that stories that start in a classroom rarely grip me, I just don't find it an interesting set-up.

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  9. Yes, for a very subtle introduction of the problem. (I'm looking at the title along with the first sentence and assuming the MC needs to avoid germs although it could also be another kind of sickness.)

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  10. Yes. Sounds like a person with a phobia. That intrigues me.

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  11. No. I didn't feel like reading about a hypochondriac, but that's just me.

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  12. No. I didn't connect with the character.

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  13. Yes. I like this. It's different and sets the tone really well.

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  14. Yes. Great hook. Makes me want to know why this person doesn't want anyone to breath on them.

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  15. No. Could be hooked if 1st sentence conveyed more urgent need rather than annoyance.

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  16. Yes. At the beginning of the sentence, I was prepared to say no because it's in a classroom, then I got to the weird part about not wanting to be breathed on.

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  17. No, but only because of the wording. I think it's a great description. It just needs a bit of tweaking.

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  18. Yes. I'm intrigued about this character.

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  19. Maybe (sorry)--the "where no one can breathe on me" intrigues me-- but if I don't find out this is a big deal in the next few sentences, I'd probably stop reading.

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  20. Maybe--Not wanting to be breathed on is different, but the class setting isn't.

    I'd use the "m" dash instead of a comma and try to move away from the classroom setting if you can.

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  21. Yes. I'm very, VERY hooked by the 'where no-one can breathe on me'. This is a great way to hook, especially for a story entitled 'Sick'.

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  22. Yes. No idea whether this is SFF or contemporary. Assume it's YA. I think the narrator's isolation makes him/her interesting. I want to know why he/she wants or needs to be apart from everyone, whether not being breathed on is about survival or just not being grossed out. Hey, maybe this is a story about monsters with bad breath -- whatever it is, it hooked me. :)

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  23. Yes.

    I have an immediate sense of a character afraid of germs.

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  24. Yes, I'm curious. I'd read the next few sentences, at the very least.

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  25. Yes. The title + first line work for me.

    I also wasn't expecting the end of the sentence.

    If it had said.. "I sit in the back of class, so I can snooze/go unnoticed/stare at the hot girl in front of me/avoid the teacher/etc" then I wouldn't be hooked.

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  26. Yes but agree with comma problem. I want to know what the MC's issue is!

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  27. Yes. I want to know if the MC is a germ phone, or really sick.

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  28. I'll say YES
    Although I'm torn, while the opening is quite ordinary, I'm wondering if the MC is a hypochondriac?

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  29. Yes. This cracks me up. Also, it's something I would possibly say myself. Haha! So I instantly connect with this character.

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  30. Yes. I laughed at the unexpectedness of it.

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  31. No. It's too generic. Perhaps find a way to say the same thing in a more interesting manner. Be more specific as to why he doesn't want to be breathed on.

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  32. No. Aren't there just as many (if not more) kids at the back of the class. These are usually not the kinds of kids to face forward, breathing straight ahead. Maybe if your MC sat at the the front of the class in the abandoned corner of desks that were too close to the teacher so no one could breathe him (her?).

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  33. Yes! I want to know more about a character who makes a decision to sit in the back to avoid other people's breath. Funny, and immediately hints at who your character is. Nice job!

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  34. Yes, but then commas are my downfall and I need a class in punctuation. I like that your character doesn't want to be breathed on.

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  35. Yes! Sounds like it has a paranormal twist. Interested

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  36. Yes, but omit the comma. I am a germ-freak, so I would love to know more about this character. :)

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  37. Yes, same reason as many other comments. We wonder why character doesn't want to be breathed upon.

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  38. No. But then again, this is a YA novel and I'm soooo much older than YA.

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  39. Yes. Because I liked the voice. But then when I thought about it, it doesn't matter if you sit in the front or back of the class because aerosolized bacteria and virus particles are in the entire class.

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  40. No--on the fence, I think this mainly needs tweaking; finding a more engaging way to say the same thing and showcase some voice. Funny concept, maybe tell this in a way that only your character can say to set this apart from other YA's starting in a classroom setting. Almost there!

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  41. Yes, I'm intrigued and sense some serious anxiety here.

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  42. No, but torn. Agree with others who said the classroom is boring, but not wanting to be breathed on makes me want to know why. If you keep it I agree with losing the comma.

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  43. Yes. Wondering why she doesn't want anyone to breathe on her.

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  44. No, but because I don't want to be in the head of a germaphobe. The sentence (sans comma) works well with the title, though. It's just not a book for me.

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  45. Yes. I went from first line to title and then you got a second yes.

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