Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #4

TITLE: A Boat Against the Current
GENRE: Women's Fiction

I was ten when Gaysie Cutter tried to kill me, which was just like her; always leaving a bad first impression.

49 comments:

  1. Yes. Again, it's the voice. This sentence makes me want to read more.

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  2. Yes. The punctuation feels off (probably compounded by my bizarre dislike of semi-colons), but I love the voice and the sense of humor it shows in your narrator.

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  3. Yes, although I'd move the period.

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  4. Can I say maybe? It almost seems too melodramatic for me and I worry that it's just a shocking sentence which will have nothing to do with the rest of the novel. If the rest of the novel is about the MC vs Gaysie Cutter, then it's probably a good sentence.

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  5. Have seen this one before and always liked it, so yes.

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  6. No, but it would have been a yes if you'd stopped after "which was just like her." The last clause blunts the impact.

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  7. Yes. This made me laugh. It also sounds like these two became friends since she knows Gaysie so well. I'm interested to see how that happened.

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  8. Yes. The narrator obviously has an opinion of this woman, and I'm curious as to what would make a person try to kill someone as a *first* impression.

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  9. Yes, but I think it'd read better as two sentences with the period after "her."

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  10. Yes! The "which was just like her" did it for me. It's a casual, familiar way to talk about someone who had tried to kill her in the past. This says a lot about the character and her voice. I just love it.

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  11. Yes - A nice bundle of facts (age, name, long-time familiarity) presented succinctly combined with the off-kilter trailing clause - like, how many chances do you get to make a first impression? I liked that bit despite the punctuation being off. It would be better with a colon or stand-alone.

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  12. No. I like the idea, but the sentence is too complicated and doesn't flow well.

    I like the suggestion above of taking off the part after the ;. I think that would help the structure a lot.

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  13. Yes. Definitely. Actually made me LOL. Not just because of the content, but because of how the POV character presents it.

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  14. Yes. Funny, "Bad first impression" hooked me.

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  15. Yes. Funny and sounds like a great set-up for an unusual friendship.

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  16. Yes. Love the name Gaysie Cutter - love the voice. Nice!

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  17. Yes. Your voice shines through. The semi-colon seems out of place, but I'm not sure how else you'd punctuate that part of the sentence.

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  18. No. Phrasing seems awkward, and doesn't bode well for the writing in general.

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  19. Yes-- the voice works for me-- and the juxtapositioning of someone trying to kill the narrator with "a bad first impression" makes me want to keep going.

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  20. Yes, nice voice, clear tension, interesting character. I'd read on.

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  21. Yes! This is a great voice and makes me want to know more about the character and also Gaysie Cutter and why she tried to kill the narrator.

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  22. Yes- good voice, funny, snark, foreshadowing, lots of good stuff to go on.

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  23. Yes. Obvious tension between the narrator and Gayle makes me want to find out more about what happened back then. Also, the "first impression" comment gives me the sense the narrator doesn't have a good sense of self-preservation and I feel a little protective of her. Why's she even sticking around and thinking/talking about this terrible person?! This first line tells me she's going to get in trouble with Gayle again. As a reader, I feel I need to stick around to see just how deep a mess she gets herself into.

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  24. Yes.

    It was almost a no, though. I'm not really sure how I should feel about it... haha, that crazy Gaysie.. or sarcastic about someone she really hates. But I want to see the next sentence.

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  25. No. Maybe it just needs tightening. The bad first impression and the 'just like her' wasn't a bad concept but unless the back of the book had already grabbed me, I wouldn't read further.

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  26. Yes. I like the voice. It also makes me think that the MC and Gaysie are BFF now. I want to know how that happened and why Gaysie wanted to kill the MC.

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  27. Yes. . . immediately liked the voice, and it made me laugh.

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  28. Yes. I love the voice. The punctuation confused me a bit, though.

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  29. Yes, I love the sarcasm and voice already :)

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  30. Yes. Haha. This is really funny to me. However, the semicolon is used incorrectly. Probably could just use a comma there instead?

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  31. No, because it's women's fiction, which means adult, and reads like MG. It also doesn't start me out in the here and now. I want to know what's happening now. What's the problem now? Tell me about when she was 10 later.

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  32. Yes, so blase about death, that's intriguing.

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  33. You made me laugh.

    I'd buy the book from this sentence alone.

    Now don't disappoint me by not keeping the humor going like so many authors do.

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  34. No - reads like MG not women's fiction. sorry - I don't like middle grade books so that maybe distorting my opinion.

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  35. Yes. Provocative first impression of a character.

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  36. Yes. Made me laugh.

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  37. Yes. The line appeals to my warped sense of humor.

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  38. Yes--title, genre, and first line all fit.

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  39. Er...ALMOST yes.

    I'm intrigued, but I have to say the stupid semicolon puts me on the fence. It seems like such a dumb thing to be on the fence about, but since this is my first impression of your writing, an incorrectly used semicolon isn't a good thing to see. A semicolon goes between two clauses that could grammatically stand on their own as two sentences; it just connects two complete sentences that have very much to do with one another.

    Other than that, LOVE the Gatsby-inspired title and that "Gaisy" rhymes with "Daisy." I sense a Gatsby re-telling of some sort?

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  40. Yes, though I do agree with the punctuation comments and the fact that this opener makes me think MG without knowing the genre.

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  41. Yes. But would read better as two sentences.

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  42. Yes. I'm definitely curious about this one.

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