Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #23

TITLE: TEMPLE FALLS
GENRE: MG Fantasy

Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness.

39 comments:

  1. No. this feels a little ordinary. It's dark. But where is she? Why is it important that it's dark. I think this could benefit from a few more details.

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  2. No.

    With fantasy, I'm actually open to the idea that she's walking through soup, so the metaphor doesn't work for me at all. Unless she really is walking through The Soup of Darkness.

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  3. No.

    The darkness as soup metaphor feels cliche to me. Unless the darkness is actually soup, it feels odd for a first sentence. I think you want to ground the reader in the actual setting before we have to start guessing at whether something is just an odd description, or literal.

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  4. No

    It's a bit too vague for me. I don't feel grounded either with your character, voice or setting. I kind of feel like i'm in the soup of darkness (which is a bit of a cliche) and that's not a place i want to be when i start reading a story

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  5. No. I'm afraid she's waking up which is a no no.

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  6. No. I don't like the metaphor, and it's too unclear. I'd like more details so I can get a better grasp on what's going on.

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  7. No. Pretty much for all the reasons stated above (though I love the idea of an actual Soup of Darkness :-)

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  8. No, soup of darkness didn't work for me at all sorry.

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  9. No. If the darkness is *actually* soupy and more tangible than normal, I would be interested, but this felt more like an analogy.

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  10. Yes. I liked "soup of darkness." Especially for MG.

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  11. Yes and no. If it's literally Soup of Darkness (genre is fantasy, after all), I suggest capitals and you get a HUGE yes. If it's a metaphor, it feels too commonplace to really grab me.

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  12. Yes. For MG I think this works, but only if the next sentences explain why the darkness is soupy. If the soupy-ness is not touched on again, you may want to change the wording.

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  13. Yes. Soupy is so...soupy. Now I'm hungry.

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  14. No. The metaphor makes me feel like I'm walking through a room of something wet and messy.

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  15. No. It's too generic. I don't know anything about the character. I don't know where she is going or why she's in a dark soupy room. This might not be the right place to start.

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  16. No, sorry. I'm just not feeling the soup of darkness description.

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  17. No. At first I thought she was really in soup, which made me laugh. Then I decided that wasn't probably the case. So having a character I don't know walk through darkness doesn't work for me as a hook.

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  18. No. The soup of darkness threw me off.

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  19. No. I liked 'soup of darkness', but the line itself is nothing intriguing. Darkness isn't a hook.

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  20. No (sorry!)

    I'm confused by "soup of darkness." It could mean too many things so right now it doesn't really mean anything at all.

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  21. No. Since this is MG fantasy I wonder if it really is Soup. (I've read some weird MG lately) otherwise this just doesn't grab me. It isn't enough to make me say "oh I must see why she is out in the dark... or in soup..."

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  22. No. I don't know why she's pushing her way through soupy darkness, but I don't know enough about her to really care either. And, honestly, soup of darkness is a difficult image to put my mind around.

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  23. No. Soup of darkness just didn't work for me.

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  24. No. Soup is not the term to use, i don't believe. Needs more detail, not just pushing through darkness.

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  25. No. This is too generic and vague. Try to come up with something else other than darkness. Good luck! :)

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  26. No. I like when we can start with something the MC thinks or feels rather than something setting related. Also the metaphor didn't work for me.

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  27. No
    I don't like the term 'soup of darkness' it doesn't make sense to me.

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  28. No. Boring. Not enough here to be intriguing.

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  29. Not quite, I get the sentiment but I need just a bit more punch.

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  30. No--"soup of darkness" feels heavy and not right for a first line. Often "of" signals wordy-McWords-a-lot. Not all the time but usually rephrasing will lessen the clunk. Pushed through soupy darkness may work. This is one line where I think more detail would work. She pushes through darkness and... what? Into where? Something else might hook.

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  31. No - the soup of darkness metaphor seems like it's trying too hard.

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  32. No. "Soup of darkness" feels imprecise and distracting. Instead of getting into what Nara is doing, I feel myself trying to imagine how darkness can be soupy, hehe.

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  33. No - too ordinary. And why soup of darkness?

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  34. No. I have not idea what that means. There's not enough here to attach myself to the character or the situation.

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  35. Yes--You gave me a name, a place, and she's doing something, and the soup of darkness even gives this a bit of mood, although you could probably come up with a better metaphor. I'm wondering why she's in the dark and where she's going, or what might she be trying to escape.

    You might cut 'her way,' and say soupy darkness. As is, soup is a noun and you want it to be an adjective.

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  36. No. It´s too vague and the soup metaphor just doesn´t do it for me.

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  37. No. I can't see how darkness can be thick enough to push through.

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  38. Yes. I like metaphorical openings. It's different. And personifying anything in middle grade is a huge plus. She's pushing through the darkness...magnificent. I think people are tripping over soup, cause it's such a literal, preconceived image. Also, the name Nara is intriguing. Nara means "country" in Korean.

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