Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #5

TITLE: Wolf's Tail
GENRE: Fiction

Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes and he did not wipe them away, refusing to show any sign of weakness.

47 comments:

  1. Yes. Nice description and I want to know what's going on.

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  2. No. Kind of a run on, doesn't move me.

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  3. No. How does wiping away sweat show weakness?

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  4. No - reluctantly.
    I would break this up a bit and replace the "and" with a but.
    Trickles of sweat stung Kato's eyes but he did not wipe them away. He refused to show any sign of weakness.

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  5. No - felt as if the sentence was too long. Might work if it was re-worded?

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  6. No. I find this sentence long and overly formal, and wouldn't read on.

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  7. No. This was another that went on one clause too long. Shortygirl's re-write is just how I would like to see it (except it needs a comma after "eyes").

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  8. Yes. I'm interested enough by the implications of action (from Kato sweating) and conflict (who Kato doesn't want to show weakness to) to at least read the next sentence to get context. Good job!

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  9. Yes, but guarded. I do want to read at least the next line to see what is happening.

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  10. No. Sweat stinging eyes is kind of cliche, in my opinion, plus there's the fact that once they're in your eyes, you can't wipe the droplets away (you can only do so while they're still on your forehead.)

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  11. No - not enough context to make me curious.

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  12. Yes, but I think this should be two sentences. Suggested edit:

    "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes but he did not wipe them away. He refused to show any sign of weakness."

    You may also want to consider only using the first name in this sentence, but that depends on how the rest of the story plays out.

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  13. Yes, but more only once I saw the title.

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  14. No, it doesn't flow. I liked Autumn2mats suggestion of breaking it up.

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  15. No. I find the sentence too twisty; it doesn't build momentum.

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  16. Yes. Nice show of character determination. I do think it might be stronger as two sentences though.

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  17. No. Liked the title, but "and" made sentence seemed patched together.

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  18. No. I'm not connecting with the character and too tough to wipe sweat out of his eyes is cliche.

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  19. No. I like the idea, but think it can be improved. It's a little "telling" to me.

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  20. Yes. Seems smooth, in media res, feels like the following sentences will likely flow into context.

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  21. No. You've described what's happening to Kato, but it feels drawn out and a little bit cliched. Perhaps you could combine the first part of the sentence so that he refuses to wipe the sweat out of his eyes, not wanting to show any sign of weakness. Or something like that. ;)

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  22. No, doesn't really draw me in all that much.

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  23. No, this doesn't hook me. I get that he's in a tense situation, but on the whole I prefer stories that start with at least a small lead-in to establish character before getting into the action. Right now, I have no reason to care about Kato Okami.

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  24. No. I don't care enough about Kato to want to keep reading. It seems like he's all tough and bold so I don't care. I want more vulnerability in my heroes when I read about them--something with which I can empathize. I can't empathize with a character who isn't weak and refuses to admit to any weakness. Know what I mean?

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  25. No. Too much info here. Also, I agree with the commenter who said characters w/o weakness aren't interesting. It's also long. Why trickles of sweat, and not just sweat? The alliteration of "sweat" and "stung" followed by Kato not wiping it away would create a sharper sense of conflict, mirroring his internal conflict. (At least, i would hope he's conflicted about not wanting to show weakness while being human enough to feel scared about whatever situation he's in.) You could even lose the second part of the sentence, link the first two clauses with "but," and still show Kato is determined and steadfast.

    Also, "refusing to show" is a little confusing as I don't now if he's alone or with anyone else -- to whom is he refusing to *show* weakness?

    Hope this helps.

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  26. No.

    It's a bit wordy for what's actually being shown. And without any sense of what he's facing down, (surprisingly) a sweaty, stoic man just isn't enticing me.

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  27. Yes, but I agree with other comments about shortening the sentence.

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  28. No. I don't care enough about the character and the tension of the scene is lost on me. Sorry.

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  29. Hmm maybe. I think i'd move this sentence around a bit:

    "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes, but he refused to wipe them away."

    I don't think you need u need to so definitely talk about this as being a sign of weakness.

    I find the tweak above more intriguing. Makes me ask why? what's going on?

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  30. Yes, IF the sentence ended as, "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes and he did not wipe them away." That makes me want to read more and find out why.

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  31. No. At this point, it's simply because the sentence needs reworking. Too much in one sentence.

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  32. No ...it just didn't grab me ...I don't know how else to describe it. It was a bit long and I feel needed a bit reworking.

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  33. No. I feel like I've read this same kind of sentence many times before.

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  34. Yes
    I'm immediately wondering if he's being tortured though I'm not sure what genre this is...I read on to see what's happening.

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  35. Yes. I like the idea, but I would rework the sentence. Move his motivation first.

    "Kato Okami refused to show any sign of weakness by wiping away the trickles of sweat that stung his eyes."

    Or maybe make it two sentences. But start w/his desire not to show weakness.

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  36. No. A man is sweating, which isn't compelling, and why would wiping the sweat away imply weakness? Perhaps instead, show us what's making him sweat. Or show us the danger he's in. Or if he's captive, maybe show us where he's being held. Gives us something more interesting than sweat.

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  37. Not yet, but you're close. Maybe I need to know what or who he's facing and why his actions will be read as fear.

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  38. Yes - would read on but would have to grab me in next couple of sentences.

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  39. No. BUT I think Leigh Michael has a great idea about shortening & tightening it to "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes, but he refused to wipe them away."

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  40. Qualified yes. The next sentence would make or break my interest.

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  41. No. I feel like I'm being set up with a character that's been done before but you're not giving a hint if yours is different or not.

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  42. No. It doesn't feel quite right somehow - a bit too slow round "and he did not wipe them away". Maybe it would work better as two sentences instead, but I can't quite put my finger on it just now.

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  43. Yes, probably would go further because I am intrigued by the character's name.

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  44. No. You're telling me he is refusing to show weakness.

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  45. No. With this being "just" Fiction, it doesn't hook me enough. If this were Urban Fantasy or SF/F, I would think he was in an epic battle or something, but this could be a chess match for all I know. It's not enough to compel me to read further. Sorry.

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  46. Yes. For several reasons. I like the title and Okami means "great spirit" or "wolf" in Japanese, so...already intrigued. But, that's personal. A reader would only know that if they...knew that.

    More so, I like what this sentence sets up, that Kato is in the midst of something, whether it's a trial of stillness, or a trial of concentration, or anything. He's in the middle of an action.

    I think people are confused w/ the genre. You'll have to be more specific. Even if it's adult fiction, it can still have a genre, whether it's literary fiction or historical fiction or contemporary fiction. It could even be magical realism if this book takes place in the modern world, yet "okamis" still exist.

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