Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #2

TITLE: NOTES ON A REBELLION
GENRE: FANTASY/Dystopian

Hell's teeth, I so know how to get myself into trouble.

50 comments:

  1. Yes. First, for some reason I love Hell's teeth. Second, I like the droll look inward.

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  2. Somehow a No for me, didn't pull me in as much, although I like Hell's teeth. For a first line, I'd like to at least glimpse the trouble.

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  3. I'm on the fence on this one. If judging on voice alone, I would say Yes. However, the vagueness of the sentence overall doesn't leave me intrigued as to the story.

    In all fairness, in a real book I'd have the rest of the page to tell me about the trouble (and the voice would have got me to read further).

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  4. Nope. Don't like the first two words, they're nonsensical in a bad way.

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  5. No. It's trying too hard to be dramatic and lacks substance. I'm also wondering what age this is for. The voice almost sounds middle grade. I associate trouble with mg, but starting with hell would indicate an older character.

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  6. I have to say no. I like "Hell's teeth" but I think the "so" pushes it over into trying to sound like a teen too much. I also don't feel attached to the character, or have any sense of who they are or what kind of trouble this is (caught skipping school or running for their life).

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  7. Erm - I was torn on this one, but I'm going to say No. It reads a little awkward for me.

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  8. I think this would depend on what comes next. Am presuming it'll be followed by more info about exactly what trouble the MC is in, and so I think this is a fine line, but it's the next two or three lines that will clinch it.

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  9. No, but this is mostly about my own tastes. It's a very strong voice, which would usually be good, but I get worn out when the voice is too strong.

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  10. No. "Hell's teeth" grates just a little too much as an artificial expression, and that there is non-specific trouble does nothing for me. There is no detail here to sell me on wanting to know what the conflict or its context is. If you could express some more context, I might switch.

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  11. No. There is nothing interesting about it. It's too general. The first sentence should say something about the uniqueness of the MC or situation. If he's an 'every kid', why should I read about him.

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  12. No. For some reason, it felt too much like an obvious ploy to grab the reader instead of just describing what the trouble is.

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  13. No. The character sounds too overdramatic for my taste.

    I would suggest, if the author wanted to do something similar, to instead explain how X had gotten the character into trouble. For example:

    "Hell's teeth, I shouldn't have done X."

    Something similar to this would give us more of a glimpse of what is going on and still keep the same theme to the opening.

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  14. No. While I do like the character's attitude, the overall concept is rather generic.

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  15. Definitely no. Nothing good about it at all. Dreadful!

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  16. No. I could go with "hell's teeth," but am thrown off by "so know."

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  17. Yes. It's a short sentence, but I already have a great idea of the protagonist's voice and the hint that this world is different than our own ("Hell's teeth"). I even found myself inwardly chuckling at the voice. Great job!

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  18. Hell's teeth! I am very very curious.

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  19. No. I don't like the hell's teeth expression, and the whole thing is too vague for me.

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  20. No. I like the voice here, but I don't get Hell's teeth.

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  21. No. Not specific enough to pique my interest.

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  22. No. I think I've read this opening sentence too many times.

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  23. Not really, it's a bit telly and not unique enough to make me want to know more.

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  24. No--it doesn't make me curious enough about the character to want to know more. Sure, the character is in trouble, but it sounds kind of flippant and not important--like the trouble is no big deal because of the way the sentence is worded. Does that make sense?

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  25. No, sorry. It sounds like Harry Dresden, who over the course of a dozen books is very much starting to irk me. The voice just isn't for me, which I realise is a bit unfair, but I'm just not your reader.

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  26. No. I had to think about it, but I dwelt too long on what "Hell's teeth" is supposed to convey. It sent my imagination off on a crazy tangent before I even finished the sentence. I assume it's slang for the world this character's in. Problem is, I ended up stopping and thinking about what Hell would look like if it had teeth. Then I wondered if it were humanoid or animallike, then I wondered what the teeth were like... Is it Old Norse? Hel? Something or someone totally made up by you? Why teeth? Etc.

    Too much drifting and wondering about teeth for me.

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  27. No.

    It's not bad, but it was just too vague to really let me attach to anything--situation, character, emotion.

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  28. No. I don't like "Hell's Teeth", it just sounds contrived to me.

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  29. Yes. I like the voice. It bodes for a fun ride.

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  30. Yes, I'd keep reading but you'd better pull me in quick and, if you start with intense action, you're setting us up for a real roller coaster (or a real disappointment). Be sure the story can hold up to the hype.

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  31. No.

    I'm gathering "Hell's teeth" is an expression? I've never heard that before so I was just like, "huh?"

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  32. No... I had to read it three times to figure out "Hell's teeth" was being used as an expression.

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  33. Yes. I want to know what he/she's done to get in trouble. And I'm in the camp that likes Hell's Teeth. Well, as an expression.

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  34. No. I'm not really familiar with the phrase "hell's teeth" ...and it seems like most books start with a bit of trouble so I'd like a little more specifics.

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  35. No
    The term 'Hells teeth' actually threw me for a second, I had to reread for clarification.

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  36. No. It's too vague. His trouble could be anything. Whatever the trouble is, maybe mention that instead.

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  37. Yes. I do like a creative expletive.

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  38. So close and I love the Hell's teeth.

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  39. No - liked Hells teeth but then you tell us that you know how to get us into trouble. What about showing us why/how etc

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  40. Maybe. If that had been dialogue, yes. Then I'd know it was a character expressing themselves. As narrative, I didn't get quite that feeling.

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  41. No. Hell's Teeth is an archaic saying, but using the SO makes it modern and the contrast doesn't work for me.

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  42. Yes. I really like the voice, even in such a short sentence.

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  43. No--a reluctant no! I like the voice, but this feels like it would work better further down the page. Hell's teeth in dialogue might convey it better, but still not sure it's the place to start. This line should be kept for sure, maybe just not as a first line. Good luck with this!

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  44. Yes, I want to know what the trouble is.

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  45. No. For me, the idiom at the beginning is off-putting.

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  46. No. Reads awkwardly - I had to read it twice to make sense.

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  47. No. I don't know why everyone is sold on making up there own expressions. There are rare exceptions where it works for me (like Kim Harrison), but Hell's Teeth doesn't do anything for me. Also, the "so" makes me think of a teenage voice. If this were YA, that would work.

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  48. I recognize hells teeth - it's Australasian - and I like it but if it's going to cause so much confusion you may have to lose it. Nice, funny voice. Getting into trouble is maybe just a little too common though?

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