I think this is really lovely. It's pretty dark, the image of what is presumably a body being washed up to shore, but it's softened nicely by the great descriptions of sea-things. I'd definitely read on.
Yes! Who could resist "a tide pool with a handful of spiny sea urchins and a brittle green starfish"? Lovely imagery. And then of course there's the dead body. Plus, dusk is such an evocative time of day. I'd love to read this book.
Yes - I don't read/write YA and therefore do not usually comment on it. The beautiful writing encouraged me to make an exception. Very evocative and well done!
Normally a dead body is a turn off in the first sentence but I have such a vivid and colorful image which is different for a 'found the body' scene so this is a yes.
Yes. Great title. I think the 1st sentence is great, but the rhythm is slightly off with the two modifiers of "starfish." I think you need only one. Definitely hooked me.
Yes, but it is kind of long and clunky for me. The images are great, but the whole dead body was enough and the rest sort of seemed tacked on for me. I guess after reading about her body washing up, I didn't care that she washed up with sea urchins and starfish, know what I mean? They were kind of a letdown after the body. Maybe put them first so they lead into it?
Yes. It starts dark, but finishes with a softer touch. The softer visual at the end leads me to believe this story won't be as depressing as the first part of the sentence hints it to be. I'd like to see how this plays out.
No. There is nothing intriguing here. I'd rather she was found in a pool with spiny sea urchins and something a little less predictable, a gold doubloon, a china tea cup, or??? Something that hints at what happened to her, murdered? pushed overboard? ship on the rocks?
Yes! Perfect amount of detail and mystery, if you lose at least one of the four adjectives in "spiny sea urchins" and "brittle grean starfish". I want to know more!
Yes. I actually think it's sort of creepy and desperately sad. Part of me didn't want to read any further because I couldn't get the bobbing corpse out of my head. Yuk. However... it's all very beautifully written and hints at a much bigger problem ahead. So yeah, I would end up reading on :)
I assume you opened with "they" because the identity of the body is more significant than whomever found her. That little detail also helped draw me in, as I wondered who this corpse was and how we (readers) would learn more about her considering she's dead. (Plus why she's dead, of course!)
No, because it's too long. It would be more powerful if it were just, "They found her body at dusk." I usually object to pronouns w/o antecedents in the first sentence, but I'm afraid naming the people would interfere with the poetry, so I'd take it.
Yes!! The details made me actually interested in this dead body, otherwise I'd have passed on the book. The colors used, the dusk, it all makes me hope that you have many more interesting things to give me as the book progresses. For those saying remove an adjective, those are the actual names of the animals (though I believe it's more commonly called a Green Brittle instead of Brittle Green). Maybe capitalize the animal names like you would for birds (Northern Flicker, Bald Eagle etc)?
No. The images of the sea urchins and starfish distract from the body. There's more description given to them than anything else in this sentence which makes them the focus.
Yes--nice opening scene, well written, nice language. My only suggestion would be not to include the starfish in the same hand as the sea urchins, and extend the sentence a bit.
They found her body at dusk, washed up in a tide pool with a handful of spiny sea urchins, and a brittle green starfish -------- (say where the starfish was)
Oh yeah! It immediately left me with a, "oooooooo, cool!" kind of sensation blending with the immediate questions about dead body-ness. And the beautiful imagery of spiny sea urchins, etc. Oooooooo, cool! So, yes.
Yes! I love this. Your sentence surprises the reader from seeing a broad image (a dead body), which could be considered cliche, but then subverts that image by focusing on the details of the other things in the pool--colors and texture in the first sentence! Beautiful, clever writing. Remindful of Juliet Marillier. And I love that it's YA Historical.
I think this is really lovely. It's pretty dark, the image of what is presumably a body being washed up to shore, but it's softened nicely by the great descriptions of sea-things. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteI really like the word choices and the images. Great job
Yes. Mysterious.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's dark but beautiful at the same time. Giving it a sacred feel.
ReplyDeleteYes. Loved the voice and description.
ReplyDeleteYes. Exactly what everyone else said above.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's dark and vivid and had me intrigued.
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteWho could resist "a tide pool with a handful of spiny sea urchins and a brittle green starfish"? Lovely imagery.
And then of course there's the dead body.
Plus, dusk is such an evocative time of day.
I'd love to read this book.
Yes. Beautiful writing and great imagery.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's creepy and beautiful with just the right amount of detail.
ReplyDeleteYes - I don't read/write YA and therefore do not usually comment on it. The beautiful writing encouraged me to make an exception. Very evocative and well done!
ReplyDeleteYes, good imagery!
ReplyDeleteYes. I enjoyed the crispy details.
ReplyDeleteYes, lovely, loved it.
ReplyDeleteYes. That's some seriously amazing imagery and it's nice and creepy :)
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteNo. Whose body? Is the MC already dead? I like the imagery, but I don't think I would read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. Good solid concept to grab onto (there's a body), backed by great images to fill out the setting. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteNormally a dead body is a turn off in the first sentence but I have such a vivid and colorful image which is different for a 'found the body' scene so this is a yes.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the imagery and I'm intrigued by exactly what's happened to this poor woman, but I'd be looking for character very soon.
ReplyDeleteYes, very vivid imagery and lots of good questions raised to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteYes - love the description of the body. I can totally picture it. awesome
ReplyDeleteYes, but only if "her" is explained in the very near future, along with the relationship to the MC.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great title. I think the 1st sentence is great, but the rhythm is slightly off with the two modifiers of "starfish." I think you need only one. Definitely hooked me.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it is kind of long and clunky for me. The images are great, but the whole dead body was enough and the rest sort of seemed tacked on for me. I guess after reading about her body washing up, I didn't care that she washed up with sea urchins and starfish, know what I mean? They were kind of a letdown after the body. Maybe put them first so they lead into it?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYes. It starts dark, but finishes with a softer touch. The softer visual at the end leads me to believe this story won't be as depressing as the first part of the sentence hints it to be. I'd like to see how this plays out.
ReplyDeleteYes. Strong image. Good title.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the imagery. However, I advise removing the word 'spiny', because EVERY sea urchin is spiny.
ReplyDeleteYes! I love this! I love the title, and the intrigue, and the specific images evoked by these beautiful words. Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery!
No. There is nothing intriguing here. I'd rather she was found in a pool with spiny sea urchins and something a little less predictable, a gold doubloon, a china tea cup, or??? Something that hints at what happened to her, murdered? pushed overboard? ship on the rocks?
ReplyDeleteYes! Perfect amount of detail and mystery, if you lose at least one of the four adjectives in "spiny sea urchins" and "brittle grean starfish". I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteYes. I actually think it's sort of creepy and desperately sad. Part of me didn't want to read any further because I couldn't get the bobbing corpse out of my head. Yuk. However... it's all very beautifully written and hints at a much bigger problem ahead. So yeah, I would end up reading on :)
ReplyDeleteI assume you opened with "they" because the identity of the body is more significant than whomever found her. That little detail also helped draw me in, as I wondered who this corpse was and how we (readers) would learn more about her considering she's dead. (Plus why she's dead, of course!)
No, because it's too long. It would be more powerful if it were just, "They found her body at dusk." I usually object to pronouns w/o antecedents in the first sentence, but I'm afraid naming the people would interfere with the poetry, so I'd take it.
ReplyDeleteYes--This line with the title and genre feels like it all fits.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'd want to read more.
Oh yes.
ReplyDeleteYes!! The details made me actually interested in this dead body, otherwise I'd have passed on the book. The colors used, the dusk, it all makes me hope that you have many more interesting things to give me as the book progresses. For those saying remove an adjective, those are the actual names of the animals (though I believe it's more commonly called a Green Brittle instead of Brittle Green). Maybe capitalize the animal names like you would for birds (Northern Flicker, Bald Eagle etc)?
ReplyDeleteYes. Intriguing (a body!) and just the right amount of descriptive detail on the tide pool.
ReplyDeleteNo. The images of the sea urchins and starfish distract from the body. There's more description given to them than anything else in this sentence which makes them the focus.
ReplyDeleteYes. Really dark imagery which draws you in, wanting to know who she is and why she's been left there like that.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great word choice and imagery.
ReplyDeleteNo: a pretty picture, but so so familiar I'm not that compelled
ReplyDeleteYes--nice opening scene, well written, nice language. My only suggestion would be not to include the starfish in the same hand as the sea urchins, and extend the sentence a bit.
ReplyDeleteThey found her body at dusk, washed up in a tide pool with a handful of spiny sea urchins, and a brittle green starfish --------
(say where the starfish was)
Yes. I like the imagery here and it made me take notice.
ReplyDeleteYes. I really like the voice.
ReplyDeleteYes. It made me want to read more. I liked the description.
ReplyDeleteYes - I like the image of a dead body in a tide pool.
ReplyDeleteYes. As above, great imagery.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah!
ReplyDeleteIt immediately left me with a, "oooooooo, cool!" kind of sensation blending with the immediate questions about dead body-ness. And the beautiful imagery of spiny sea urchins, etc.
Oooooooo, cool! So, yes.
Yes! I love this. Your sentence surprises the reader from seeing a broad image (a dead body), which could be considered cliche, but then subverts that image by focusing on the details of the other things in the pool--colors and texture in the first sentence! Beautiful, clever writing. Remindful of Juliet Marillier. And I love that it's YA Historical.
ReplyDelete