Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #18

TITLE: The Wild Hunt
GENRE: MG Fantasy

MONSTER CROSS DIRT BIKE RACE NEXT SATURDAY AT ODIN'S FARM

37 comments:

  1. No.

    It's an announcement, and with it written in all caps, I have a feeling as if someone is shouting it at my face, which in return makes me step away. And needs fixing as well.

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  2. YEs.

    I love opening the story with an advert! It's clever and i immediately want to know what a Monster Cross is (monster motorcross??) and i want to know how the MC is going to react to this advertisement

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  3. Yeeeeesss.

    I think it would work better on a page, since online it comes across on first impression as if you don't know not to capitalize each word. ;)

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  4. Yes. I think this would work for MG. I'm assuming the MC is reading a sign, and that we'll get a better idea of his/her character soon. It's a rough first sentence for this kind of evaluation, though.

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  5. Yes, I think it works well for MG.

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  6. NO. ALL CAPS MAKES MY EYES HURT, EVEN IF IT IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

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  7. I'm saying YES since for MG it pulls us right in announcing an exciting event. I'm thinking from a kids pov, they'd def want to read on.

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  8. Yes. But only for this genre. Sounds like a good start for a MG story. :)

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  9. No. It doesn't tell me anything about the MC and it's in all caps.

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  10. Yes, but only because it probably works for an MG story. Personally, I'd like to get a glimpse of character and voice rather than an ad.

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  11. Yes. Even though opening with an announcment is perhaps risky, it gives us an event, a location, and a time that helps orient the reader.

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  12. Yes, especially for MG! I want to know what the heck a Monster Cross is!

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  13. No. I don't mind the advert or the caps. I'm just not interested in motocross, monster or otherwise. (Which seems like an unfair reason, but that's the subjectivity of publishing that we keep hearing so much about.)

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  14. Yes. I think this would be more than enough to hook an MG reader interested in dirt bikes, and obviously suggests this event will happen in future, which is plenty of action to hook.

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  15. Yes. Interesting combo of Monster Cross Dirt Bike Race..and Odin? I'm curious enough to read on a bit.

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  16. Yes- Monster Cross dirt bike races sound fun!Obviously the next sentence will tell us something about a character and how they react to the advertisement and I'm curious to read on (hope it's a girl wanting to race!)

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  17. Yes, if it's an early middle grade meant to be simple and funny.

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  18. No. it's nothing about the character and I don't really care about a dirt bike race when I know nothing about the character and what it might mean to him/her.

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  19. I think with a kickass second line, that jumps into the characters personality/excitement over this, this would be a yes. But right now it's not enough.

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  20. Yes. It draws the middle grade reader in. I'm sure any kid reading this would want to know who the MC is that's reading this sign. It works for me!

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  21. Yes. I think it will come across much less screamy on the page. I am instantly pleased by the idea of monsters on motorcycle.

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  22. Yes. I want the second line to tell me "holy crap we have to be there!"

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  23. Yes. I always get excited when a story starts with an announcement about an upcoming event. Who doesn't like seeing a big, exciting flyer for a big, exciting event??

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  24. No
    I had to really concentrate to read that, perhaps it was just that it was all caps...

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  25. No. Obviously we are reading a posted sign. And not a very interesting sign, at that. But since it is here, I assume it's interesting to the MC. Better to show us the MC and his reaction to it as an opening line.

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  26. Doesn't have any umph to grab a reader. Maybe save this for a paragraph or two into the book.

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  27. I'm not sure. Can you tie it into the readers emotion?

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  28. No. Aside from the shoutiness of the all-caps, I had to re-start twice before I realized it wasn't just a list of unrelated items. The rhythm of "cross dirt bike race next" feels very choppy, which is part of why it felt like a list to me.

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  29. Yes-for mid grade, it serves it's purpose. The reader immediately knows what she's getting.

    I would suggest you replace 'next Saturday' with a date, because that sign could have been up for a while.

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  30. No. There's no character here, nothing for me to get attached to or care about.

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  31. Yes. Hello, Monster cross dirt bike race, yippie.

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  32. No. It needs more information. It doesn´t really pull me in. Plus, i think it needs and introduction. Maybe...The sign on the tree read:

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  33. I'm on the fence. Don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I'd read on....

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  34. Yes. Makes me wonder what a Monster Cross is.

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  35. Yes. It's confident and it just made me laugh out loud.

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