Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #16

TITLE: A Question for Kieran
GENRE: Early Reader

Kieran dragged his feet over fallen leaves, crunching and kicking his way down the street.

38 comments:

  1. No - but, then again, I haven't read any Early Readers in a long time, so I feel like I might be judging something I'm not qualified to judge.

    That having been said, I'm looking for voice and/or story in these sentences, and I didn't feel enough in this one to say yes.

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  2. No. Nothing is happening and I didn't get a sense of the voice.
    I know it's hard to judge based on the first sentence and the second one might be the winning one, but based only on the first line, I wouldn't really be interested in reading more.

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  3. No. Seems way too advanced for an early reader.

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  4. Yes. Not much to say other than I love the image.

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  5. Yes with the HUGE warning that I'm not familiar with Early Readers. On the one hand, I think it might sound too mature, but I'm not confident enough with the genre to say for sure.

    I do like that it's clean and has a nice visual.

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  6. No. I think for an Early Reader you'd want the sentence to be more simple: "Kieran crunched and kicked his way down the street." Sentence 2 could explain the leaves.

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  7. No. Nothing intrigues me about a guy walking through leaves.

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  8. No - it seems a bit too much for early reading.

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  9. Yes. But only for this genre. I can see a kid identifying with this scene immediately.

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  10. No. Boring. Nothing interesting here. Also, I'm troubled by the genre. The words seem kind of hard for an early reader.

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  11. No. You need action and humor for early readers. They will put the book down after the first sentence if it doesn't grab them. This feels too common. The name might also prove too difficult for an early reader.

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  12. Yes. Cute. I don't usually like spoiled brats, but this one made me laugh.

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  13. No. The word "dragged" sounds sad while "crunched" and "kick" sound like he's having fun. The mismatch confuses me.

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  14. No. While there's nothing wrong with the sentence structure, the image isn't overly unique and thus didn't grab.

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  15. No - walking down the street isn't interesting.

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  16. No -- kicking leaves as he walks isn't enough to reveal character or pique my interest. This is just something happening; there's no hook. The writing is fine, though.

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  17. No - nice visual but I think it could give us more. Is he angry? On his way somewhere interesting?

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  18. No

    The details are fine but it's nothing special. I also worry about the audience and the level of this writing

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  19. Yes-ish. I'd read the next sentence to see if I was hooked with a good 'why?'

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  20. Yes, but it depends on what you're going for. It's descriptive, but it's going to be dependent on that next line, which needs to be a shorter sentence.

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  21. No. It makes me go, "So." I don't care enough. Not interesting to read about someone walking down the street and kicking leaves. I need something more.

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  22. Yes. I see a little boy identifying with this scene right away. With an early reader, I like that simplicity.

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  23. I would have said no, but something about "crunching and kicking his way down the street" hints of something serious going on in his life. I'd like to know what.

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  24. No. Although well written, just too familiar and doesn't give enough information to make me want to keep reading.

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  25. Yes. But I am so not qualified for early readers. I usually don't like to start out with mopey characters, but the MC here feels actively mopey. he's moving. He's kicking leaves. He's doing something while he stews which promises some sort of action on his part. I think it could work.

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  26. No. The "dragged" kind of makes me think the story will be a drag. It starts things off on a low, passive note.

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  27. No
    Feels like it's been done before.

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  28. No. It's quite a complex sentence for an early reader. More importantly, I'd like something more intriguing to draw the new reader into the story.

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  29. No, but only because it's awkward and I can't quite tell if Kieran is dragging his own feet. With a little work, I think you'll wind up with a wonderful first line.

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  30. No--Try shorter, simpler sentences. The opening would work better as two sentences. And the MC's name may be unpronounceable for early readers.

    Early readers will also have pictures, so you don't have to tell what the pictures will probably show.

    I did like 'kicking and crunching his way down the street.' Nice word choices. But perhaps start with whatever the incident is that makes Kieran feel however he is feeling.

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  31. No. How does someone drag his feet at the same time as he crunches and kicks? This detail makes me worry other details might not be as precise as they need to be.

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  32. No. It's not original, doesn't show voice or character and seems too complex for an early reader.

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  33. No. There's nothing unique about this or the character or his emotions.

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  34. Yes. Good visuals here...I can hear the leaves moving under his feet. And since it's an early reader, I think kids will be more engaged with this character.

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  35. No. First he's dragging his feet, then he's kicking and crunching - all at the same time? Way too much foot action here.

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  36. Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments!!!

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