Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #7

TITLE: Shadow Company
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

It had taken two hours, but I finally got something other than lazy fog rolling across the surface of the bowl.






47 comments:

  1. No, actually, nn a fence with this one. Not sure what's going on, unclear and the voice didn't grip me.

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  2. No. There isn't enough voice or story in this one sentence to pull me forward.

    (Honestly, this feels so harsh to me to judge a book so quickly, as I would always read further before making that judgment - and from your writing style I get the feeling I would be hooked pretty soon)

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  3. No. I'm sorry but I don't understand it. How does fog roll across a bowl? Is this a literal bowl (like a soup bowl?)?

    After rereading and thinking about it a few time (which I don't really want to do with a 1st line) I'm guessing maybe the MC is practicing manipulating some kind of power? Maybe?

    Either way it's confusing.

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  4. No, sorry. I presume the MC is doing magic here, and I'd like a bit of set-up and to get to know the MC before we dive into stuff like this.

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  5. No. I don't feel grounded. I don't understand what the MC is trying to do, or what the rules of his/her world is.

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  6. No - I'm not sure what's going on here? I'm assuming its magic, but I just don't know enough yet

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  7. YES. The premise grabs my attention, and the main character has a strong voice. The sentence would benefit from some additional information, like is this a skrying bowl? Details like that would help.

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  8. No. Using the tense 'had taken' immediately distanced me from the visual. I'd recommend just going with 'took', as it feels more immediate.

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  9. No. I read this twice to understand it. Maybe you're starting a little too close to the action. I need a little more context.

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  10. No. If I just had this sentence to go on I would pass. However it sounds like this is leading into a good hook.

    I would suggest making the sentence stronger with more tension or emotion.

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  11. Yes. I must think differently than most people commenting today. Most first lines I've read have gotten lots of yeses when I would say no. But this line intrigued me.

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  13. No. I'm guessing the mc is doing magic? It's confusing and didn't pull me in.

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  14. Yes, I'm intrigued by what's happening that's causing fog to roll across a bowl.

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  15. Ye. Intriguing image. Makes me curious.

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  16. I'm going to say yes, though I'm a bit on the fence. I'm curious as to what the protagonist is doing: A science experiment? A magic spell? But I don't get any sense of character from this single sentence, so it doesn't pull me in in that way.

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  17. Yes, because I want to know what the "bowl" is.

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  18. No. It didn't grab me, and I couldn't connect with the voice.

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  19. No. It's passive. You need to be more active in the first line. Get rid of the had taken.

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  20. No - doesn't sound like something exciting happening.

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  21. Yes. You had me at the lazy fog. ;) I'm intrigued by what could be better to have rolling across the surface.

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  22. On the fence-- it's slightly intriguing, but not compelling.

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  23. Hmm... yes. Borderline yes. This is interesting, suggesting magic, with nice imagery, but you're lacking character and voice here. You'd have to provide it very soon to keep me reading.

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  24. I'm torn here. My first instinct was to say no, because I had to read the sentence twice to fully grasp what it meant.

    On the other hand, it did make me stop and go, "What?" And I do like that it suggests magic.

    Hmm . . . yeah. Torn.

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  25. No.

    On rereading and given the genre, I think the speaker is a magic user of some kind trying to do something, but I'm still not sure and that ambiguity is off-putting.

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  26. I love fantasy and you bring me right into that world very quickly. This made me smile and I would read at least a little further.

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  27. No. It's lacking any type of real emotion, IMO.

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  28. Yes, however no. I would so continue reading but I think it is a tad vague and missing that extra bit of detail. It took me a minute to visualize this.

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  29. Yes. This intrigues me, although I don't get enough sense of voice.

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  30. No just because I am really confused exactly what is going on here. Maybe the next few lines would explain it better though ..

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  31. No - I'd like a bit more voice. And perhaps start by showing what is coming from the bowl, since I gather lazy fog isn't interesting to the MC.

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  32. No
    I'm immediately getting the image of witch over a cauldron, I don't know if that's what you're going for. Sorry.

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  33. No. But there's enough going in between this line and your title to make me think that if you started somewhere else, it would probably be a yes. I just don't get a sense of the character here.

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  34. Yes, I like when the MC struggles and succeeds. I'm curious.

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  35. Yes, but I was on the border. I think with a little tightening I would be a solid yes. I like the idea of the fog rolling across the bowl - makes me immediately think this is a story with magic in it. And (S)he is training or trying to learn how to use it. But I think it could be punchier. Maybe: After two hours, I finally managed to get something other than a lazy fog to roll across the surface of the bowl.

    Or why not tell us what it was she got to roll across the surface of the bowl from the get-go?

    Just some thoughts. Hope they help. :)

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  36. Nope, too slow, but a little tweaking and I'm there.

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  37. Yes--but a weak yes. Magic is implied, and I wonder what the MC had hoped to conjure.

    But the sentence itself is weak. The important part of the sentence is the fog rolling over the bowl, and you've not only buried it at the end of the sentence, but you've preceded it with a weak clause and words that really say nothing.

    Put the important part of a sentence first when starting a chapter or parg, and put it at the end of the sentence when ending a chapter of parg.

    Perhaps try - The lazy fog rolled across the surface of the bowl. It should have been (whatever he was trying to conjure.) Or some variation of that idea, but put the bowl first.

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  38. Yes - I'm visualising witches and cauldrons!

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  39. Yes - I'm visualising witches and cauldrons!

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  40. Yes--the line fits with the title and genre, I'm not confused at all with what's happening and it's not so on-the-nose.

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  41. Yes, I'd probably keep reading just to see what the heck is up with someone making fog in a bowl!

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  42. No. Your story may be awesome (love fantasy), but starting with a word I try hard to eliminate (It) loses me, and not sure about why fog across the bowl would be important enough to start with.

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  43. Yes. I'd read on to find out what does appear on the surface.

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  44. Yes. I think you make it clear that 'something other than fog' is significant, and maybe an achievement for the narrator. I'd love to read on and find out what the other thing is that's appeared now.

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  45. No, but barely. I want to like it, but it's just not quite there yet.

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