TITLE: Wish I Was Here
GENRE: YA light sci-fi mystery
When Ana’s best friend Isaac hands her an invisibility pill he made, she swallows it to avoid being kidnapped along with him. Fighting her guilt, she must rescue Isaac before he’s forced to create another pill for the highest evil bidder. If she doesn’t follow clues he left behind and find him for the antidote within a week, she’ll remain invisible forever. That could mean insanity or death.
Isaac’s street was a ghost town when I pulled up to his house after school. I used his spare key to let myself in, and the knot in my stomach tied double.
YES. Our character has agency, the stakes are a little iffy but still specific and definite, and it sounds like a cool idea! Your sentences aren't the most gripping, and you might rethink comparing a street to a town or using the tied in knots cliche, but I'd still read on.
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ReplyDeleteYES. I like where this is going. I want to hear more.
ReplyDeleteYES An invisible person trying to find a kidnapped person sounds kinda fun. Leading to insanity or death seems harsh, however.
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ReplyDeleteInvisibility done well is fun and from the pitch it seems like this will be a good read. The first lines didn't really grab me or seem like anything special.
YES. I agree that the opening lines could be a little punchier, but the concept is fresh and unique.
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ReplyDeleteI like the concept but neither the way the pitch was written nor the first lines got me super excited, which would make me wonder if the whole story would read the same way. I think if you could add a little more voice into the pitch, it'd be stronger. Or if you made the first lines a little more specific to your story. Either one would make the story feel uniquely yours and more engaging.
Yes. Invisible with a deadline? Edge-of-my-seat material. Can't wait to read it in print.
ReplyDeleteYES. The premise is fresh. I can't say I like it that consequences to Isaac disappear in the face of her permanent invisibility/insanity, but the query still works. The opening lines could use a suggestion of danger.
ReplyDeleteYES. Invisibility pill, kidnapped genius forced to make another pill for the bad guy, and the threat of being invisible forever? Sounds fresh and has the potential for so many twists. First lines are always tough, and sometimes it takes time to find just the right one.
ReplyDeleteYES. Invisible with a chance for insanity. I need more.
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