TITLE: TARNISHED RELICS
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
When Attoria's parents mysteriously fall ill she sets out on a journey for a cure. During her travels she uncovers an age old prophecy about a unique soul that will decide the fate of Halgrond. As her name declares, She Who Brings Victory, Attoria knows she will be the one to fulfill the prophecy. But the path of good and evil is not always clearly marked and every victory has a cost.
"Time has done you no favors, witchwoman Gizem," Attoria said.
They were the only two on the road.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again--be specific. Right now, I have no sense of the plot beyond "girl wants to be the chosen one". Besides the cliches (age-old prophecy about a unique soul, oh boy) I feel like the stakes are undefined and the antagonist doesn't seem to exist. Tell me the victory she wants, tell me the cost of that victory, tell me the cost of NOT succeeding, tell me who's stopping her. Maybe not all of those, but including concrete stakes will get me invested.
ReplyDeleteAs for your first sentences, why is Attoria addressing Gizem as witchwoman Gizem? Surely they both know Gizem's occupation?
NO.
YES. I like the old-fashioned voice in these first lines.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is not specific enough to grab me. Be more specific so we know why we should be invested in Attoria and her fate. The first two lines have nice tone, though.
NO. The pitch is a cliche (prophecy. Dave Farland, the Gatekeeper judge for Writers of the Future contest speaks to this here: https://mystorydoctor.com/making-better-magic-systems-lesson-1/) and too generalized.
ReplyDeleteNO. How does Attoria know she is the one? This is too cliche. What's different about your story?
ReplyDelete