TITLE: A Girl of Ice and Embers
GENRE: YA Historical Fantasy
After accidentally merging with a fire goddess thought to be a demon, an Ice Age girl gains inhuman power but is forced to flee her clan. She finds a new home in another clan but struggles to embrace her power when an enemy clan and a god with powers of rot and decay threaten to enslave her newfound family.
Today was the kind of cold I felt down to my bones. The cave I stood in blocked the wind, but as I surveyed its painted walls, my breath still turned to mist in the air.
NO, sorry. This feels very vague and nonthreatening. You don't explain her powers, or why she struggles to embrace her powers, or what the god is like. And the main character seems to have no agency--she's forced out of her clan, gets powers by accident, and is hunted by a god for some reason. I know it's hard to grab people with only a few words, but choosing evocative language and using specifics can help ground a story.
ReplyDeleteWhy does she have to flee her clan? That seems important to note. I'm guessing it has to do with this accident, but I'm not entirely sure.
ReplyDeleteThe first of the two lines of the story seems unnecessary. She's cold. We get that in the second line. The title is cool, though. (No pun intended.)
NO...I like line two better as the opening. Cliche first line.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteThe title reminds me of other YA books out there. The premise itself seems good, but the pitch doesn't give me anything to bite into and hang on to read a whole book.
NO. Nothing is pulling me in, which is a bit subjective. I think the pitch could be stronger with some tweaks. Like starting the first sentence with the MC. I stumbled a bit with digesting the information in the order it is currently presented. How about: When xx year old Ice-Age girl, NAME, accidentally melds with a fire goddess, she gains inhuman powers and is forced to leave her clan. The second line could also be reordered: After she finds a new home in another clan, a god with the powers to bring rot and decay threatens her new home and family. NAME must (hard thing to do) or (specific terrible consequence will happen) End the pitch with clear stakes. I need to know why embracing her powers is hard. What will it cost her? And what are the powers? Inhuman is a bit too vague and I'm not sure how her powers match up against the god of rotting things. Does she weld fireballs? Burn things with her eyes? I also think that the bit about "thought to be a demon" doesn't feel relevant. Sorry for so much criticism, but I hope something helps!
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteI don't have a good sense of the character so I'm not as invested. There are definitely stakes but the pitch feels vague so readers may not know why they should care about these stakes. I think if you add specifics and inject more voice into it, that could help.
NO, although the basics of the query work well. The only edit I'd suggest is removing "when an enemy clan." However, making things a bit more specific and threatening might be helpful. I will say, I liked HER when she decides to protect her new family, so I'd have to disagree with some previous comments. That said, the weakest element are your opening sentences. Opening with the weather seems kinda blase. Give me some threat.
ReplyDeleteNo. Why would anyone want to merge with a demon? I need to know that.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is a little vague, but I like some of the story elements. The first line hints at a clash between fire and ice and I really like that imagery. I also like the villains control of rot and decay, I feel like that's an underused power. I also like that the opening lines put us in a cave with paintings on the wall. It's an intriguing setting that isn't used very much.