GENRE: Adult Fantasy
naShola is a noble entangled by scandals and clashing loyalties, who stumbles across a power that could upend the tyranny of the Plateau. Tlanis is a lowly plains-dweller whose parents dreamed of creating a better world for him — until they were hanged for it. He loathes nobles, naShola most of all. But he finds unexpected hope when a mysterious veiled woman comes to the plains at night, wielding the forbidden craft of the windcallers.
There was rain once, centuries ago, in the plains south of the Mawtooth mountains. Now there was only dust and rock in every shade of sun-baked brown and rusted red.
YES. I like the image painted in these first sentences. However, I do question having your main character's name start with lowercase letters. Unless you have a strong, world-building reason for it, it only serves to make the name hard to read.ReplyDelete
The pitch tells me what to expect from the story without giving too much away. The opening lines reveal the setting beautifully.
Good tone in the opening lines and nice conflict set up.
NO. She's a noble who wants to end her own class's rule? She perceives that rule as tyranny? WHY? I'm confused and the story hasn't begun. There's stuff that doesn't add up. I agree that her name=confusion. Also, I'm a bit wary of starting a book talking about the weather. It's a blase way of easing into a situation. Give me the characters and a real situation.ReplyDelete
There's a lot of background in the pitch, but most of it is very cliche in the fantasy genre. Choose the aspects that are unique to your story and put them first. The most interesting thing in the pitch was the mention of windcallers, but that was at the end. I would use the pitch to describe them and how they set the book apart from other all the other fantasy out there.
Interesting conflicts and characters. The world building in the first sentences, a world where it hasn't rained in centuries, is compelling.