TITLE: CARVED
GENRE: Adult Science fiction
Crim the Carved steps into the Spector ready for a fight to the death, but when an attack goes horribly awry, she ends up in a battle to save everyone’s lives. She teams up with a mortal enemy who was happier trying to kill her, and the two must free all the trapped spectators. If they don’t, a death in the Spector would have been merciful compared to one designed by the Carver.
Crim saw things no one else could, but each line of sight cost her a world of pain. Sticky trails burned down her cheeks as she pressed her face closer to the panoramic panes of the top floor bedroom.
YES
ReplyDeleteThe pitch has me wanting to know more about this Spector. The only thing that confused me was the last line. I think because she goes by Crim the Carved and the (I guess) designer of the Spector is called Carver. The names/titles being similar made me read the line a couple of times to understand it. I like the opening lines.
NO
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is a little confusing. I had to read the first part a couple of times to understand that Crim the Carved is a person and that Spector is a place (I was thinking two people with unique names). I don't know why she was going there to fight or how that could lead to her fighting to save everyone. It feels like there's a lot of potential here, and I bet I'd like the story, but I'd like to see the pitch explain more about the stakes and Crim and this mortal enemy so I feel like I know the characters and a little more about the world.
NO I think this needs more specifics. What kind of attack? How does it go awry? How will she save everyone? How are they trapped? The Carver is tacked on at the end. I think this being needs to be mentioned sooner to make things clearer. The first lines are not really drawing me in either. I don't know what she sees or what kind of pain she feels. If I did, maybe her tears would be more impactful, but right now they don't really mean anything to me.
ReplyDeleteNO I can't follow the pitch at all. Crim the Carved sounds like a name, but then the next word is steps, so I'm not sure if I'm right and then on top of that, we have something called a Spector, but I have no idea what that is. Then it gets more generalized from there.
ReplyDeleteYES: This pitch has me very intrigued. I think you need a few more details to make it more concise. I like the ambiguity of the pitch, but with a few tweaks like making sure to differentiate between Crim the Carved and the Carver could go a long way. For the opening lines, they could use some work. Try to establish her location right away and simplify what she is doing. Good luck :)
ReplyDelete