TITLE: The Crichton Heir
GENRE: Historical Romance
“I have the documents that prove I am the rightful Crichton heir.”
Alexander’s face turned ashen. He stepped toward Patrick and snatched the paper out of his hand to examine it.
“Ye may keep that, more than one copy was sent from Edinburgh. I have a proposition for ye my dear cousin.”
Patrick spat out his last remark, the sarcasm unmistakable. He glanced over at Margaret. She looked from Alexander to Patrick. He winked at her and smiled. Hope she had dared not have was growing stronger with each minute.
“I will renounce my birthright, release all claim to the Estate, including any moneys or land. I won’t claim Crichton Castle as my own, in return for an annulment of yer marriage to Margaret, and yer word that ye’ll not retaliate against any Sinclair, or those close to them.”
Margaret watched, holding her breath. Fear that he would turn Patrick down, gnawed at Margaret’s insides. The two men glared at each other.
“Aye, ye’ll have yer annulment.”
Alexander mumbled, as he dropped the paper to the floor.
Margaret sprang from the couch and ran into Patrick’s waiting embrace. Knowing he was willing to give up his birthright was all the reassurance that Margaret needed. They would, at last, be together. As she lifted her head from Patrick’s shoulder, the glint of metal caught her eye. Alexander was standing up, having just pulled something from his boot.
“No!” Margaret cried out in anguish, as Alexander plunged the knife into Patrick’s back.
Emotion: Fear, Hope, Relief, Joy, Shock/Horror
I think it started with anxiety, then moved to hope, joy and finally terror. I may have missed one. Too much emotions crammed in such a short scene, made it feel rushed. Still, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOh! That's not nice!
ReplyDeleteThe one man is angry, Patrick and M are worried then relieved. And in the end I imagine she's heart-broken and murderous.
Well done.
There seemed to be quite a lot of emotions going on in here. The strongest seemed to be the sense of hope when it appeared things would turn out alright. But then they didn't... *sniff*
ReplyDeleteLots going on here, but M seemed full of anxiety at the opening, relief and then horror at the end.
ReplyDeleteTension at first, then relief and joy. The shock at the end didn't really register for me, maybe because there was just alot happening so quickly.
ReplyDeleteNice gamut of emotions there! Clear and Shown, rather than told. Some punctuation problems to look out for, though.
ReplyDeletep.s.-- good job on introducing an accent/dialect, and not beating your readers over the heads with it like a lot of other authors do. :)
What a roller coaster ride. I think the last part was the strongest--the movement from hope to horror.
ReplyDeleteA lot of emotions covered here. Anger from Alexanber. Joy from Patrick & Margaret when Alexander agreed to the annulment.Horror when she realized what Alexander was going to do.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Lori. I feel it was more told than shown. "Hope for this, fear for that". It was confusing to me what was going on, but that could be the effect of dropping the needle.
ReplyDeleteAAAAAA!!!! I mean, AAAAAA!!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, shock and horror.
But I just KNEW that was too easy. I mean, something bad had to happen. But, ugh!
OK, seriously......
I was drawn in by this as well - quite the rollercoaster of a scene. I agree with the poster who said that some of the emotions are told rather than shown - maybe add in some of her physical reactions and that would up the showing part. Otherwise, very good work.
ReplyDeleteOuch. :[
ReplyDeleteWell... fear and distrust and hope and worry were the main things I caught on to. Horror at the end.