Title: Invitation
Genre: Mainstream
Background: Benji, the troublemaker, and Gretchen, the teacher's pet with a black eye, are studying algebra in the outdoor cafeteria.
"Spider!"
Gretchen leaped out of her seat. "Where?" She shook her skirt franticly. "Where? Where?"
Benji leaned back against the table, snickering.
"You!" Gretchen hit him on the shoulder with her book.
"Ow! Damn, girl!"
"Don't you swear in my presence!" She pointed her finger at him.
Benji rubbed his shoulder and got a good look at Gretchen's face as she glared at him. "What happened to your eye?"
Gretchen flicked an ant from her seat and then sat down. "None of your business."
"You got in a fight with one of the other girls?"
"Do I look like the type of girl who engages in wild, uncouth, uncivilized behavior?"
"Not so sure with that swing of yours."
"Shut up!" She reopened her book and set it down.
"Fine. Don't tell me. It ain't nothing, though. You wanna see a scar I got when I was a kid?" He gripped the bottom of his worn out gray t-shirt.
"I most certainly would not!" She kept her eyes on the pages of her book. "I have no interest in any part of your anatomy."
Benji pulled his shirt up anyway and pointed to a five-inch scar along his side. "Got that from my daddy."
Gretchen glanced up from her book and grimaced at the sight.
"Drunk as a skunk, he was," Benji said. "Must've mistook me for a 'coon. Tried to skin me alive, but I was faster than his slow, dumb ass. He passed out from the exercise."
I like this.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing (and it's minor) that took away from it was the "It ain't nothing."
I think it should be "It ain't nuthin'."
Certainly a big different in speech between the two characters. They have a great contrast.
ReplyDeleteThe differentiation between characters is well done.
ReplyDeleteAt first I couldn't detect much difference but then the formality of the girl and the dialect of the boy became really distinguishable. And both characters, although very different, really got my sympathy. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is good, both of the characters have very nice and distinct voices.
ReplyDeleteI didn't notice it quite at first, but once the boy got talking more, the speech contrast showed up nicely and complimented their other difference to show off their personalities. Works great for me.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was well done. Both dialects came through nicely.
ReplyDeleteBenji's voice is great--innocent and real. However, I didn't feel Gretchen's dialogue resonated with me--she seemed formal at some points and informal at others without a reason for the switch.
ReplyDeleteIt took a few lines for me to tell where the differences in speech patterns were, but once it picked up it was quite clear and you did well with the differences. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Thanks very much for the comments everyone!
ReplyDeleteanonymous: thanks for pointing that out.
Lori: I've tried to look for the instances you're referring to but I think I'm just too close to it. Where did you feel Gretchen switched tone?