Title: Ghosts in the Shadows
Genre: Western (contemporary)
Yídilchi′ Yáá had no way to reproach Yúúsn and the Mountain Spirits who had abandoned him. He would have cursed them, demanded their attention if the proper words existed, but the Apache language lacked profanities and The Powerful Ones undoubtedly did not speak English. He hadn't been a good Chiricahua; he admitted that. But had he behaved so badly as to be ignored, never allowed to redeem himself? Maybe. He had crossed an awful lot of lines.
He rose and walked to the edge of the outcropping. Not even the desert acknowledged his presence. The land that stretched below him was vast and open and empty, and he would have to cross it on foot to get back to civilization. His horse almost certainly had returned to the Four Cs or Ghost Shadow by now.
Ghost Shadow. The ranch was always there, just below the surface of his thoughts. Maybe that was why Yúúsn refused to hear him. Yídilchi′ Yáá needed Ghost Shadow more than he needed the powers that were supposed to guide him, and they knew that and were offended.
"I will not leave this place until you talk to me. Kill me or give me an answer!" The angry words evaporated on the wind.
He would wait forever if he had to, but he would not beg or turn his back on his quest. Not this time. Too much was at stake.
The rock wall burned against his skin as he slid to the ground. Patience never had been his strong suit.
Emotion: defiance
I detected anger and defiance. I had to say, I stumbled over the names at the opening. if this would have been fantasy i would have slipped into a rant. Assuming these are real Indian names, i would still suggest to find names that are easier to pronounce for the readers.
ReplyDeleteEr.... anger. Defiance I can see.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled a bit not just over the names but the set up. Given a free-hand in editing this I'd isolate some sentences on their own lines. "Maybe." would have more impact if it weren't buried in the word mob.
I think this has a lot more meaning in context. It's hard to understand the story when you only see one character.
The main emotions I got from this were anger and a sense of disorientation.
ReplyDeleteI've missed reading this. You better start posting again. ;) He sounds angry, defiant, and obstinate (as usual).
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure it was defiance until the very last sentences. The rest of the section seemed devoted to a bit of backstory and just setting up the defiant lines.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking anger, some desperation coming in at the thought of not being able to redeem himself. The defiance coming in at the end.
ReplyDeleteIt feels a bit cerebral in the beginning, but then moves more into anger and defiance.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to pinpoint the emotion. Most of the mood came from telling, not showing.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I didn't really "feel" an emotion. In truth, I enjoyed what I found to be some lyrical writing. Very polished excerpt!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I was paying too much attention to all the details and the setting (I love your personification of the desert) to pay enough attention to the MC's emotions.
This isn't my cup of tea... which is probably why I'm at a loss as to the emotion.
ReplyDeleteSomething that struck me is the first part seems to be laid back musing. He seems calm and collected despite whatever problem he has.
Then you suddenly have him shouting angrily.
If he's angry, maybe show it before he starts shouting. Have him make his request a couple times to no answer - give him a reason for shouting angrily.
*peeks at answer at bottom of page*
Defiance? I guess that makes sense, but I think you could show it more...
Of course - this could simply be the needle effect and I'm just missing some of the buildup...