Thursday, September 11, 2008

Drop The Needle #22

Title: Sea Foam and Blood

Genre: Paranormal drama (short story)

Anchor grunted and tossed his head, flaxen mane spilling over his eyes and into Adelaide's lap. Adelaide tried to smile and realised that tears were streaming down her cheeks. She sheltered his head with her body. "I love you, boy. It'll all be okay." She broke off with a gasp. Unwittingly, her gaze ran down his body towards his leg. She sobbed again and gripped Anchor's head in a tight hug.

"No," she whispered. "Please no. Not you too."

Her father returned, followed by the vet.

Dr Cathson nodded to Adelaide and placed her bag on the ground. She knelt by Anchor's chest and ran her hands down his leg, going slowly over the break, examining it, probing it.

Adelaide held her breath and clutched Anchor's head. "There's a boy," she crooned. "Just lie still."

The vet finished her examination. Adelaide saw her shoulders tense as she nodded at Dad.

Adelaide glanced back and forth between them. "What, what is it?"

"Adelaide." Dad crouched beside her and took her under the arms. "It's time to go inside."

Adelaide's chest contracted. "No!"

He lifted her up and began to walk her away from her horse.

"No!" she screamed, desperately trying to break free. "No, let me stay! I want to stay with my horse!"

"Adelaide, come on. We have to go."

"No!" Tears streamed down her cheeks. Her body convulsed as she sobbed and the pain in her side merged with the pain she felt for her horse. "Please, please Daddy, no!"

Emotion: sadness, sorrow, despair


  1. Loss. Sorrow. That is a very sad scene. You know the horse won't live and the girl will be heartbroken.

  2. The emotion here was very clear -- Grief, horror, despair.

  3. At first, she's seem afraid and like she's trying to be strong. Then she sort of gives in to the sadness and is really upset.

  4. How sad. :( That is one heartbroken girl.

  5. Great job portraying sadness in this scene!
    I almost teared up too. :( I know how it's like to loose a loving pet.

  6. Wow, the sadness and pain is really prevalent in this piece. Very heartbreaking. Good job.

  7. Very nicely done. Good job on balancing the despair and not making it to overdone.

  8. Despair and sorrow. Very clear, well written.

  9. I really felt tension when she was holding the horse--lots of suspense--and then definitely the grief when her dad took her away.

  10. Though the emotion is definitely clear, I felt like you were holding back; like the words you were using served more to distance us from Adelaide’s POV, rather than draw us in to it. For example, Adelaide's chest contracted doesn’t seem to come from Adelaide’s own voice, IMHO.

  11. Sorrow, grief, despair. Heartbreaking piece. You did a good job with it.

  12. Very sad - good job capturing that. I hope she got to go back and be with the horse, or that they found a way not to have to put him down.

  13. Sadness, loss. Very strong, clear emotion. I quickly sympathize with the girl.

  14. Wow, I really went there -- the sorrow, fear of loss, pain of realizing the loss is imminent.


  15. As a horse owner who's been through this a couple times - I DEFINITELY feel for you MC.

    Desperation, Pain (emotional), Despair...