TITLE: TREASURED LIES by Michelle (elknutswife)
GENRE: Historical Romantic SuspenseBRIEF EXPLANATION: Bryant Westley is a reformed thief that has been blackmailed into searching for a legendary necklace for a former associate, Lord Rellik. Rellik thinks it is taking too long and sends his henchman, Gage, to see what’s up. This scene is when Bryant discovers Gage spying on him and his love interest, the main character, Minuette.
“I’m workin’ in the kitchens, mostly. The old bat Courtland felt sorry for me and ’ired me to lug ‘round ‘eavy pots and such, and do a few other odds and ends. Name’s Jack Gage. Lord Rellik sent me to keep an eye on you. ’E wants to make sure yer doing what yer sent to do. Doesn’t want you gettin’ ideas ‘bout making off with anything don’t belong to you, see.”
Bryant glared, angry and more than a little alarmed, as the man continued.
“Got yerself a secret whore, hmmm? Lord Rellik ain’t a patient man, Westley. ’E won’t be none too ’appy when I tell ’im that you’ve been spending’ your nights dallyin’ with your little trollop instead o’ lookin’ for the necklace like yer supposed to. Quite a tasty little morsel, though, ain’t she? I’ve been watching you two, last couple o’ days,” he laughed, running his tongue over cracked lips.
“Minuette Sinclair. Silly name. You’ve been spending a lot o’time playin’ around with the silly, little bitch when you should be searchin’ the ’ouse. Maybe I should take ’er to Lord Rellik until you’ve done yer job. She probably ’as a nice rich daddy that would pay a fortune to get ’er back, hmmm. Get the necklace and a nice ransom to boot. Not a bad plan, if I do say so meself. Lord Rellik, ee’s got a way with the ladies. E’d know what to do wi’ her.”
Bryant’s blood went from cold to boiling.
Loved it! Gage's accent comes through really clear and I didn't have any trouble following it.
ReplyDeleteOne slip, though: spending’ -- forgot to drop the g.
Good accent. And intent is clear, too. I really like it when information is conveyed through dialogue. Bryant sure doesn't say much. I'm curious what he sounds like.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! Excellent use of dialect in a character.
ReplyDeleteThis is great--strong dialect, easy to follow. Really enjoyed it. I like it that Bryant doesn't talk much--makes him seem stronger.
ReplyDeleteGood dialect use.
ReplyDeleteThis seemed consistant and easy to follow, I didn't have a problem with the accent. The character come across as a bit sinister to me.
ReplyDeleteThe dialect comes through loud and clear, but I think it would be more effective if it were chopped into smaller incriments. All lumped together like this, it's a bit hard to slog through.
ReplyDeleteAlso, did you really the double-entrendre of Rellik's name? He's searching for a necklace, right. Makes me think of Relic.
The accent is okay, I saw a few inconsistencies, but I'm not sure how many straight paragraphs of that I could read without a little more to break it up. ;) Otherwise, it was clear who was speaking.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Thanks everyone :) The two big paragraphs of dialogue are actually broken by a little one of some reaction from Bryant - and he gets some dialogue in afterwards (and a little before). I wanted to get a lot of the dialogue in though, so I did lump it together.
ReplyDeleteAnd Lori, no! I didn't even realize that :D I actually came up with Rellik's name because he is the really bad guy and if you spell his name backwards, you get Killer - I love the Rellik/relic thing though! :D
Merc, Gage doesn't speak much in the book - in fact, this is his longest scene, and it is (in the ms) broken up a bit so it isn't such a dialogue dump :D