TITLE: Dragonseeker
GENRE: YA Fantasy
BRIEF EXPLANATION: Eryn was caught stealing from Traston's merchant stall, then had a magical outburst in front of the townspeople of Terin. They tied her to a stake and Traston announces to the entire town that Eryn is a half-elf.
The Terins hissed. He grasped her chin and forced her to face the crowd. “I told you! Didn’t I say that she weren’t like us? A demon, she is!”
Cold sweat ran down Eryn's neck. Her heart raced, pounding against her chest. “I…I’m an elf, not a demon.”
“More lies!” He waved the torch in front of her face. The heat scorched her skin. “You look too human to be an elf. Whatever you are, we don’t tolerate your kind here, you unnatural beast.”
“Get on with it, Traston,” someone yelled.
“She’s too dangerous to keep ‘round here.”
“Kill her!”
“Burn her!”
“What is going on here?”
Eryn nearly cried in relief. Oten, face as red as his robes, ran across the plaza. The crowd grew quiet. “That child is a guest in my home,” Oten shouted. “Explain yourselves at once!”
Traston bowed his head at the Leader’s approach. “Oten, sir. Caught this one stealing from my stall yesterday, then again in my stockroom last night. Tried to blame your daughter, she did. ‘Course I didn’t believe her fer a second. Then she runs, and goes all funny and knocked us all down.” He took a breath. “But takes a look at what we found.” He pulled Eryn’s hair back, slamming her head into the wooden post behind her. Traston grabbed one of her ears and shook it. She winced. “Says she’s an elf. Ain’t never seen an elf look like her before.”
I'm almost with you on Traston, but I thought his dialect could've been stronger.
ReplyDelete"Didn't I say that she weren't like us?" -- Here I think you can drop 'that.'
For some reason the 'you look too human to be an elf' line felt off. The rest of his speech were short, forceful statements so I thought maybe 'you don't look like no elf' or something more pointed would work better.
Otherwise, I liked it.
Good! No criticisms here. And it appears to be a fascinating story, too. 8^)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this and was immediately drawn into the story. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI thought the first paragraph was strong, but when Traston speaks again in the third paragraph, there isn't enough to indicate dialect. Then his final paragraph is strong again. Osten's voice rings true for a leader.
ReplyDeleteI didn't catch the difference until the end, but it's there. I suspect you play it up more in text but over this 250 it doesn't show as well.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph I caught the speech pattern differences, but then it seemed to disapear in the middle, before returning in his final speech pattern. I think it should be a little more noticable in the middle part so that it doesn't feel inconsistant.
ReplyDeleteThe differences in dialect here were subtle, but enough. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem following who was talking and enjoyed it. Nice job.
ReplyDelete~Merc
I thought this was good :) I do agree with goldchevy on the third paragraph but overall, good job :)
ReplyDelete