TITLE: Trust
GENRE: Sci-fi
She was safe. I meant to keep her that way. A few anonymous messages to three of trusted men from my security team would suffice to keep her under guard without being too obtrusive.
I could Jump inside her house! I knew every room by heart. But standing there face to face, what in the nine hells would I say? ‘Come on, I want to show you how well I’m living without you.’ or ‘I’m sure now. The bond isn’t there. Sorry for wasting two years of your life.’ Could I bear breaking her heart all over again? My urge to see her in person seemed rather selfish the more I thought about it. I’d also be in serious trouble if Delyn discovered I’d brought anyone to her house. If I could even manage that. I glared at the bag on the floor.
She deserved better than what I had to give. I pulled the curtain aside just enough to catch sight of her walking past my house. She carried a black bag with her test logs in it, just as she did every day we walked together down the same street toward the factory. Today she walked alone, head high, her lab coat fluttering with each brisk step. Her gaze never drifted to my house, my door, or my face resting against the glass. A lump formed in my throat. Sonia turned the corner. She’d never looked back
Emotion: Sadness
Loss maybe? Self-anger? The character is experiencing a lot of emotions and trying to sort through what to do. It's a catalyst situation and I suspect it plays better when you know all the players.
ReplyDeleteHe seems protective, but also hesitant and sad. Nothing that really stands out here, emotionwise, but I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble jumping into this one simply because of "story stuff" that came before and would have explained....like "Jumping." I was a little too confused to "feel" at that point. (Part of the drawback of this kind of submission!)
ReplyDeleteBut the sadness is definitely there, and a feeling of true regret at the end.
I got determination at first, then excitement and finally resignation. I've never read to this point in the story, I don't think, so I'm intrigued (or is it part of the new early chapters?).
ReplyDeleteI could see some regret and confusion in this seen. Confusion because the character seemed confused about how he felt.
ReplyDeleteI got the sadness at the end, but everything before was hard to get a feel for.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit of a jumble to me, mostly because it's written as so stream-of-consciousness. Maybe break those long paragraphs into shorter ones, which would have a greater emotional impact on your readers in the long run.
ReplyDeleteSorrow or regret over something lost.
ReplyDeleteIt was little confusing - at first he seemed controlling: wanting to keep her safe (keep an eye on her)
Then I got the feeling that he left her for whatever reason (something he felt was best) & regretted it, but couldn't go back.
It felt mixed to me, like there were a lot of different emotions, and the sadness came out when he actually saw her.
ReplyDeleteRegret and loneliness. It seemed like he wanted to counter the loneliness, but regret for past actions held him back.
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be a lot of dithering at the beginning here.
ReplyDeleteI picked up a few emotions -
Indecision in the beginning. This changed over to nervousness and anxiety. And then sadness.