Kate watched her newborn daughter sleep in her arms. She’d heard of women doing this, but she never expected to be one of them. What’s so interesting about a sleeping baby? It had to be like watching grass grow, didn’t it?
Oh, but she had been so wrong. She found herself losing track of time. Not just a few minutes, but huge chunks of minutes. And if someone had asked her what the attraction was, she couldn’t have told them. She only knew that she never tired of watching the beautiful child sleep.
Tiny dark eyelashes lay against delicate pink skin. She caressed the skin on her daughter’s cheek. The baby’s lips pursed. Probably dreaming of nursing. It didn’t even bother Kate that her daughter primarily saw her as the ‘gravy train’. Far cry from the woman who wasn’t even sure she wanted children. I want more from life than just being a mother. She hadn’t anticipated the joy of being a ‘mommy’.
Kate lifted one dainty hand and marveled, as she had numerous times. Fingers so tiny yet perfect in every way. Those fingers wrapped themselves around Kate’s own finger. She smiled. You can’t describe this feeling to anyone.
It was this tiny perfection that also caused something bordering on panic. How do you protect something so precious in an imperfect, sometimes dangerous world? How will I ever let her get on a school bus and go off all alone? And going on a date? No, I don’t think so.
Ahh... this is sweet. I love sleeping babies! And the panic and worry is very genuine. Good job.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this screamed 'devotion'. And it's such a cute piece!
ReplyDeleteSleeping babies are the best kind. The love and motherly fears come across well here.
ReplyDeleteMaternal love comes through loud and clear! Good work.
ReplyDeleteIf the description in your book goes beyond the 250 words, I hope you've included something about that utterly intoxicating baby smell.
Love, and sense of wonder perhaps. Well done.
ReplyDeleteExcellent piece. The love and attatchment just oozes off the page.
ReplyDeleteYou really caught the feelings of a first time mother. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI did get the “love” emotion, but it didn’t really resonate with me. So many of these thoughts seemed cliché to me (i.e., I’ve seen the same sentiments written in other stories about new mothers). Even the worries that she had about her daughter at the end didn’t introduce anything new to the reader, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteLove rang loud and clear, but the words didn't excite me and make me want me to read any more, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe writing here is good and the emotion comes through, but I agree with Lori. The cliche and stereotypical elements take it out of the realm of believable.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you have children or not, but the new mothers I have known -- including myself -- have all been too tired to romanticize thoughts about their new role.
This scene is almost so sweet it hurts my teeth. Shorter would have been better.
Also, the line about the baby viewing her as the gravy train turned me off. Not only does it take away from the voice in the piece, it implies that newborns have the capacity for manipulative thought, which isn't true.
Generally, I don't leave responses to comments left regarding my writing. However, Anonymous, I feel your comments were directed more at me than my writing.
ReplyDeleteI am a mother and I have spent time doing exactly as I described in my story. Perhaps because I was too tired to do much else.
I've had my writing torn apart before and haven't felt that it was personal so I'm not taking it personally because your comments were negative.
I think there is a fine line between critizing the writer and the writing. We all need to be careful not to cross it.
I definitely got love - good job bringing the emotion forth. I don't find it so much cliche as containing common feelings that many women experience. If you want to spice it up a bit you could put some other images in, like have her imagine her daughter scoring a goal in soccer or winning the science fair, or something that might reflect Kate in some way. But overall, good job.
ReplyDeleteI felt pure motherly devotion. Brought back some memories. :-)
ReplyDeleteBeyond love, there must be a word that describes the universal "I stand amazed" response of new mommies (and yes, daddies).
ReplyDeleteWhatever that word may be, you've captured it here. I could feel those wispy fingers myself!
*smiles* This is sweet, and I think that anyone whose been a mom or big sister has done this.
ReplyDeleteLove.