GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure
BRIEF EXPLANATION: This is a conversation between a teenage boy and an old woman, not old like me but really old—around 80-90. I hope this idea of an “age distinction” fits the challenge.
“No,” Tyler tried to explain. “It’s not a hearing aid. It’s an iPod.”
“An eye frog? What in heaven’s name is that?”
Tyler frowned. “No--it’s an iPod.” Okay, this was going to be painful.
She put her hand to her ear and leaned towards him.
“An iPod,” he shouted. He felt his voice crack. Not cool.
“Oh, an iPod, not an eye frog,” she said. Relieved, Tyler managed to smile at her. She nodded a few times then raised an eyebrow.
“But what in the world is an iPod?”
“You can listen to music on it. See.” He held the earbud up to her ear. She listened for a moment, nodding her head and tapping her foot.
“So where are the records?”
“There aren’t any records,” he explained. “The music is all stored in here.” He took the pod out of his pocket and showed it to her.
“You’re a real card.” She poked him a couple times in the chest. “But I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.” Tyler rolled his eyes.. No kidding.
The old lady held the pod up to her face. “Just as I suspected. That thing is much too small to hold a record--even a 45. Besides, why are you walking around with music playing in your ear? You aren’t even dancing. Look here.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards her. “See her?” she whispered, pointing at Sierra. “Now she’s a pretty girl. Why don’t you ask her to dance with you?”
I liked the old lady, but I feel like her voice could use a little more distinction or personality. The first half felt...familiar, but the second half really started defining her: 'you're a real card,' and also pointing out the strangeness of listening to music without dancing. I think more quirks like that and she'll really jump off the pages. :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked the older slang like the "real card" and the "I wasn't born yesterday". I was pleased it didn't stay about the hearing aide, because that would have gotten old past the first joke. The one mis-hearing was enough for the scene.
ReplyDeleteThis was very cute, and well done. I liked both voices, and thought the explanation of the Ipod was really well done.
ReplyDeletethis is adorable! Made me smile. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThat's pretty funny, but the old lady doesn't sound old except for the hearing troubles. I'd change her mannerisms a little maybe, make her tone very formal or have her drop an accent of some kind.
ReplyDeleteI kinda have to agree that, although the scene is good, the old woman's dialogue doesn't really come across as unique; rather more of the stereotypical old-lady-not-understanding-new-technology cliche.
ReplyDeleteThe old lady was done well with her phrases and she seemed a funny character, or at least she was through the eyes of a teen.
ReplyDeleteI really like her, and I think the DL goes back and forth nicely. I do agree it's the second half that defines her as a character but I quite enjoyed it over all. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
This was good :) The old lady made me laugh :D I agree with the other comments, that she could be "olded" up a bit ;-) but overall, I really liked it :D
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