GENRE: urban thriller
The bike was going too fast. Passing Raven, Ice sped off until she was a black dot in the horizon. The Kittnz swerved out of position and caught up with Raven’s bike.
Scarlet came alongside, lifted up her visor, and shouted above the wind. “Where’s Ice going?”
“She’s got issues,” Raven yelled back. “Come on.”
Even doing ninety, she couldn't see Ice's bike.
“She’s going tops, the stupid b***h.” Raven whispered, as she watched Ice expertly dodged the traffic.
“F***, she’s gonna get us all arrested.” Raven caught up and signalled for Ice to pull over.
The rest of the Kittnz held back and watched.
Squeezing the breaks hard, Raven skidded beside the other bike; she jumped off, threw her helmet on the ground and then ran at Ice.
“What the f*** was that about,” she yelled and shoved Ice hard.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry okay. I just needed to feel it.”
“I told you, Ice, I understand what you’re going through. You’re not the only one that had s*** to deal with. You know, your attitude of late is beginning to cause me concern. Get your s*** together, you hear me.”
Ice nodded.
“Now put your f*****g hood back on, get back into position, and if I ever see you pull a stunt like that again, you’ll be out. Understand?”
Ice nodded again.
“Right, let’s try to get home in one piece, if we don’t have the pigs stopping us after that Donnington show.”
EMOTION: anger
Frustration, anger, and a lot of cussing.
ReplyDeleteI like motorcycles but I'm not sure I'd read because of the language. Could you cut the language and still get the emotion?
And what is with the name Ice today?
It started with worry, then ended with anger. It was executed nicely, but it isn't the sort of story I would connect to, so I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteYes, I feel the anger.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought: the phrase "your attitude of late is beginning to cause me concern" doesn't seem to fit the voice of the character. It's almost high-falutin' sounding, compared to all the cussin' and low-brow talk that precedes and follows it.
Maybe,
"What's up with your attitude, anyway?"
Or something.
Definitely felt the anger there!
ReplyDeleteLot's of cursing...
ReplyDeleteWell, anger is clearly shown, so good job. :)
Anger, loud and clear. :)
ReplyDeleteI got frustration and anger definitely, but ditto on cutting down on some of the cursing. I personally have no problem with it, but I do think that relying on them solely to indicate what emotion your characters are feeling is a bit of a cop out.
ReplyDeleteAnger came thru loud & clear. With all the swearing, how could it not, huh?
ReplyDeleteAuthor here.
ReplyDeleteI thought the language was rather tame. lol You should hear me when I'm angry.
The only time these women curse is when they are angry.
Authoress. My explanation for using the phrase, is because Raven leads a double life; by day a lawyer and a night a vigilante.
The anger came through quite strong, mixed with frustration. I don't think the language was over the top if it's in character, as long as it doesn't riddle the whole book.
ReplyDeleteI thought that "Ice" was a man in the other sub. I totally read that wrong. Unless this is a different Ice.
ReplyDelete@'_'@
Frustration.
I get the sense that this isn't the first time that Raven's had to go chasing after Ice. Like a parent, actually.
*Just saw "Just Me"'s comment.
ReplyDeleteAH! So I wasn't imagining things. Ice is a guy. But this is somebody else.
Sorry about that!