TITLE: Sahmara's Sunset
GENRE: Fantasy
Background: Sahmara, a highborn girl turned slave in a foreign land, has escaped and after wandering for a couple days, comes across an old woman amongst some ramshackle shacks near the shore.
Ancient white hair hung in wispy tufts from a brown scalp. The body, covered in a thick bundling of worn clothing, made the exact shape impossible to discern. Her savior drew near, bringing the lamplight closer.
“Let’s have a look at ya then.” One white eye and one dark one raked her over as though she were for sale at market. A wrinkled and weathered face frowned as the inspection ended. “I wish ya came from the shore, I could claim ya a fell off a ship. But ya came down the wall, didn’t ya mite? A slave run off then is it?” A wracking cough interrupted the assessment. “I can give ya a day but by tomorrow morning, you’ll need to move on. They’ll be looking for ya, and I don’t need trouble. Here, have some water.”
Taking the offered chipped cup, Sahmara drank as though it were the finest wine. “Thank you.” She handed the cup back with care.
“I have some cheese. It’s a bit hard but by the looks of ya, I don’t think you’ll mind.” A thin wedge of yellow cheese tinged with grey at the edges was thrust toward her. “Soon as the water’s hot, you’ll have your tea. Then it’s to bed with ya. You’re keeping me up as it is.”
Sahmara nodded.
“They call me Reva, so I suppose ya can to. Yours don’t matter so just eat.”
The toothless smile held a ghost of motherliness, making Sahmara miss hers horribly.
I was unclear on the specific dialect, but I thought Reva's voice was strong; showed a lot of maternal care.
ReplyDeleteReva has a strong voice, but I couldn't tell much about the other one. She seems timid, which I think was the intention?
ReplyDeleteI liked all of this - especially that last line of dialogue from Reva was really great!
ReplyDeleteI think Reva's voice shows a strong dialect without confusing the reader. The use of "Ya" for you was the best part of her voice but maybe there were a few too many of them. I also like the fact she dominates the conversation--it really adds to her character.
ReplyDeleteI thought the old woman's speech flowed really nicely and showed off her personality. I also really like the description at the end about her smile, that really made the characterization shine there at the end.
ReplyDeleteThe old woman's dialect came across nicely, but I couldn't get much from Sahmara. But I don't think that's a problem here.
ReplyDeleteReva's voice totally worked for me--dialect, but not overdone or hitting your readers over the head with it. Good job!
ReplyDeleteReva's speech is good and has just enough of a dialect to show off how she talks without being overwhelming and hard to follow. I don't get anything off the MC in this excerpt but I did like the old woman. :)
ReplyDeleteGod luck,
~Merc