GENRE: urban thriller
Twenty minutes into the drive and my shoulder was beginning to hurt me. I gritted my teeth and shifted in my seat. The throb quickly turned into a blinding ache, which pulsated harder with each second.
“Medication wearing off?” Buzz asked, concerned.
I nodded and took an intake of breathe.
“Hold on,” he said, pulling the car over to the side of the road. Searching through the glove compartment, he pulled out a canister of pills, which Med had given him.
“Here,” he said, handing me one.
“Two,” I gasped.
I thought I was going to pass out. Buzz had the same idea, because he gave me another pill without argument, and then held a bottle of water to my lips.
“Do you want to lie down in the back?”
“No. I’ll be fine. I want to sit beside you.”
It took about ten minutes for the drugs to kick in. I felt drunk. My head was floating and everything moved in slow motion.
“Do you mind if I make a quick stop at the clubhouse?” he asked.
“”Nah, I don’t mind,” I slurred.
Buzz laughed.
I must have dozed off, because when I opened my eyes we were parked outside the club house. I shivered and my shoulder began to ache again as I recalled what happened there the other night.
Pain, maybe lonliness. I can very easily picture this scene and I wnat to see the rest of the story. Good job.
ReplyDeletePain, followed by disorientation.
ReplyDeleteThe pain definitely communicated. And the drugged-up feeling afterwards.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely pain. Sounds like one tough character there.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really feel the pain. I understood that it was supposed to be excruciating from the descriptives used but I didn't connect to it. Maybe because your character is so tough that the pain doesn't resonate as much.
ReplyDeletePain. Good job on the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteIt's clear to me that it's pain, but it feels a bit flat. I can picture the scene, not feel it.
ReplyDeletePain--and the hint of something else--why did she want to stay next to him instead of lying down in the back? Was there another emotion stronger than pain that she was feeling?
ReplyDeleteGood, clear description of being in pain, and how your character deals with it. My only note is that some of the language could be more active. Ex: Twenty minutes into the drive and my shoulder began to hurt.
ReplyDeletePain & I think the character trying to be tough - holding off taking meds until the pain was unbearable & not wanting to lie down
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting piece. I would read more.
Pain, although it seems much more the physical kind of pain than the emotional kind of pain.
ReplyDeleteThe pain was physical, not emotional. She seemed determined to deal with it, then later disorientation.
ReplyDeleteYep, the pain. And the drugs. Been there, done that.
ReplyDeleteI think you communicated the pain well without overwriting it.
I'm wondering what happened. :)
Again... I was a little distracted by some typos and passiveness... but I think that the focus was on her growing pain (reminded me of an abcess)and then her 'floatiness' from the meds, both which are well-described.
ReplyDelete