Genre: Contemporary Romance
Stella, the heroine, meets her employer/love interest's grandmother, who is a stern and feisty old lady type.
At last Ian's grandmother spoke, breaking the oppressive silence. "I came down here, despite having tickets to a lovely play this evening, after hearing that Ian was rather taken with a young lady. Not only was this woman working for him, but he also had her living right here in his home. This, I said, I have to see for myself. Now either you are the young lady in question, or my grandson is a two-timer, and while he is many things, some of them not complimentary, he has never been that."
"No, I'm here. I'm mean that's me. Stella. Hi, I'm Stella."
Ian's grandmother sniffed.
"You look like you're about to jump out of your skin. Is it that I walked in on you two in flagranté, or are you one of those nervous types?"
Stella blushed bright red. How dare this old lady be so mean to her?
"I said, I'm Stella. The polite thing to do would be to introduce yourself. Maybe even say, 'Nice to meet you, Stella.'"
"HA!" Ian's grandmother laughed, if one could even call it that, the sound more closely resembled a shot from a rusty shotgun, than a noise meant to convey merriment. "I thought you had some spunk in you. Ian also has terrible taste in women, but he's never liked the mousy types. Now then, my given name is Thelma, but I prefer to go by Sally. And I'll let you know later whether it's been nice to meet you."
Loved it! That old woman is shrewd. I loved the description of her 'HA.' Very good stuff.
ReplyDeleteGreat old lady, but I think you could probably cut back on her dialogue just a little. It doesn't read as natural to me as I think it should at the beginning. And I was listening for Ian, but he stayed quiet as if not in the room, yet granny said she'd caught the two of them. Hmm...
ReplyDelete"No, I'm here. I'm mean that's me. Stella. Hi, I'm Stella." I think you mean "I mean" not "I'm mean." Unless she really is mean. 8^)
Not bad. There is a bit of editing needed that Karen picked up on, but otherwise, I like the old lady :o)
ReplyDeleteThe old woman was quite colorful. I got a good sense of her from the dialog. While the long paragraphs did communicate she tended to ramble on, I'm wondering if breaking them up a bit with some description might make it flow better.
ReplyDeleteThe grandmother's character comes through so well in this piece. I think the first part could be redone to read a bit smoother, but other than that it was nicely done.
ReplyDeleteDitto on what karen_duvall said. The mother looks like a great character, but her snark would show more if you cut down on the number of words she says at a given time, I think.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the old lady quite a bit, especially her "laugh". :P The last line about deciding whether or not it's good to meet Stella was hilarious. ;)
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
I 'd like to read more about Gran. She sounds like an interesting character.
ReplyDelete