TITLE: The Disappearances
GENRE: YA Fantasy
"What do I want?" I whispered. My heart beat so fast that I thought it gave my fear away. I knew that I couldn't bear to have him out of my life.
"What do you want?" he repeated, firmly grasping my shoulders.
"I don't know what I want," I pleaded. "I need more time."
He stared at me until my face burned. "I can't wait any longer. I don't want to be your friend."
My words were barely audible as I looked down. "Don't say that."
He tipped up my chin. "I want you."
Our eyes locked. I gazed into those same brown eyes I'd been taken by that day on the grass. Adam's right hand brushed my cheek and stroked my hair, while the left swept slowly down my arm and enclosed my hand. I trembled. I wanted to run and stay at the same time. No more running. His finger caressed my lower lip. A sigh escaped my mouth. As Adam cradled my neck and drew closer me closer to him, I closed my eyes and held my breath. He murmured, Eve.
When our lips brushed, a shiver ran deep inside me. There was tenderness from Adam that I'd never experienced and it created a longing I'd never had for Brad. As our mouths opened, I hesitated. We gazed into one another's eyes and met again. He pressed me towards him and I laced my fingers around his neck. Then I understood kissing was about discovery.
I like this, but I'm missing some critical things. Like why would Brad pop-up in her thoughts while she's kissing Adam (unless she's really in love with Brad). Also, I think she comes to the decision 'no more running' without reason. We jump too fast to that. But I like it, so it's hard to say what should be changed.
ReplyDeleteI think this is pretty good. There are some questions, definitely...but I have the feeling those would be non-existent if I'd read the whole story up to that point.
ReplyDeleteTry changing the beats in the dialogue. I feel there is something missing. Not in the actual words they use, but the speaker attributes. Too many interruptions to the flow of the story. The tension is lost in phrases such as ‘…I pleaded…’ and ‘…he stared at me until my face burned…’ That line could go somewhere other than at the beginning of that particular part of his dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThere is some awkward phrasing. ‘…I thought it gave my fear away…’ Read that aloud or to someone and see if this is really what you want it to say. Try a few fragmented sentences, something to convey the tension. Or read it backwards starting at the last paragraph. I don’t know why it helps but it does.
Over all, I liked it. But some places need a good thrashing. Good job!
Very solid piece. I, too, was a little thrown by the mention of another guy during the kiss. Other than that, I like the imagery and the pace.
ReplyDeleteThere's a whole lot of "wanting" going on here--6--in this short passage.
ReplyDeleteDid like that she understood kissing was about discovery.
Good job
The sensations were all right and the kiss realistic, but I had big problems with the names Adam and Eve. That wakes connotations that are probably not planned.
ReplyDeleteBring on the ice bucket! Phew!! Wot a scorcher indeed!
ReplyDeleteI like how you led up to the kiss, I like the coy sexual tension but Eve realises something more profound - it just wasn't just lust but an awakening.
I really like this, thanks for sharing.
Take care
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