TITLE: After All This Time
GENRE: YA time-travel
Jenna and Iain are in Medieval Scotland. Iain knows this time period. They're arguing.
"You weren't thinking at all, Jenna. You're a woman and beautiful. There are plenty of scoundrels here who would sooner take you and run than think to ask your permission."
Beautiful? Nice compliment, but- "I can take care of myself, Iain."
"Is that what you were doing?" he demanded. "It looked more like you were risking your neck."
"I would have been fine!"
"If you think that, then you're more ignorant than I thought."
"Iain, I-"
"Just listen to me for once! You must not go anywhere without me while we're here!"
"But I--"
"But nothing! Don't if you value your life."
"But, Iain-"
Suddenly her mouth was captured in a searing kiss, and her world turned upside down. Things she thought she'd known were no longer certain. Walls she'd put up to protect her heart crumbled at his feet. And dreams she'd carefully buried sprang to life.
He ended the kiss rather sooner than she would have liked and looked down at her with stormy eyes.
"You may not value your life, Jenna," he said in a voice that was suddenly and fiercely quiet, "but I do. More than you know. Don't go anywhere without me. Please."
She tried to think of something to say, but his kiss had silenced her quite
effectively. And the look in his eyes was turning her insides to mush.
This was really fun. I like that they are arguing. That seems very real to me, though I've never had the argue-kiss. I did miss some of the choreography of where they were standing, what they were doing, but otherwise, this seemed pretty close to perfect.
ReplyDeleteI got a little thrown off by "scoundrel" - it's appropriate to medieval Scotland, but not so much to contemporary teens. I felt the same way with "if you value your life"
ReplyDeleteThe kiss itself was nice, though. :)
It is kind of hard to visualize this scene without details of where they're standing and so on, but maybe that's established before this selection starts? In any case, using a kiss to end an argument is always fun. ;)
ReplyDeleteI really loved this! I got a good sense of their relationship. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the context here, makes his love for her all the more fierce.
ReplyDeleteGood. I liked this a lot. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Although, I would have liked to see him move closer and take his face in her hands and then kiss her. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with other have said about a little more indication of where they are in proximity to one another. And perhaps some more physicallity - meaning what are their bodies doing hands, lips, ect). And I'm on the fence with this paragraph. Though nicely done, I felt that some of the phrases were a little cliche - "Suddenly her mouth was captured in a searing kiss, and her world turned upside down. Things she thought she'd known were no longer certain. Walls she'd put up to protect her heart crumbled at his feet. And dreams she'd carefully buried sprang to life."
ReplyDeleteBut certainly well done - and I love the argument kiss, reminds me of Indiana Jones or Han Solo or Harrison Ford in general :)
I liked this and I like Iain. The rest of the paragraph after 'searing kiss' might be a little much. Maybe cut down to just one or two of these thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over the "suddenly and fiercely quiet" voice - I wonder how he can speak when he's quiet. Other than that I liked it a lot.
ReplyDelete