Thursday, September 11, 2008

Drop The Needle #2

Title: The Morretain Prince
Genre: YA Fantasy

He ran to the she-wolf. Nearby, Deohgee’s littermates lay together, unmoving. Their mother still breathed, but barely. Blood poured from the gash in her throat, dyeing her gold fur dark red. Her front legs were broken, slashed so the bones poked from the mess of muscle.

Rosse knew she had little time left.

The sole surviving cub sniffed at his mother, tail and ears tucked low. The she-wolf raised her head and licked Deohgee’s muzzle, as if saying good-bye. Then she looked at Rosse, golden eyes cloudy.

He wiped his eyes. “I’ll take care of him for you. I won’t let anything bad happen to your cub. I promise.”

Finally defeated, the proud mother laid her head on the ground, and was no more.

Deohgee whined. He stood on his hindquarters and pushed against his mother’s body, licking her face. Unable to watch any more, Rosse lifted the cub and cuddled it to his chest. He blinked, fighting tears. She had protected him, too.

A cold breeze blew through the clearing. A message of danger whispered on the wind.

“We can’t stay here, Deohgee. Those other wolves might come back.” He retrieved his empty pack and put the squirming puppy inside. Rising, Rosse headed back into the woods, hoping to find the path. As the boy and his new found friend went deeper into the forest, he thought he heard voices. But when a chilling howl echoed off the trees, he headed in the other direction.

Emotions: Grief, tinged with a bit of fear at the end.


  1. Good. I feel very sad for the loss.

  2. Sadness/grief. Maybe fear in the last part?
    Well written. Not too tearjerky(?) but the emotions are clear.
    I'd read on.

  3. My immediate response was "fear and sorrow."

    I think you did well with the emotional content of this excerpt.

  4. Grief. Very subtle. Nicely done.

  5. Very well written. Being an animal (particularly dog) lover, it was difficult to read, but I felt your MC's grief.

  6. I liked it. Definitely felt the emotion of sadness and perhaps a bit of fear too.

  7. Very well written. I would absolutely love to read this; it hits me on a lot of levels. Good job getting at the emotions you were aiming for, too. One minor thought - the moment that took me out of the sadness was when you said "was no more" - can you describe this a bit, like does she let out a shuddering gasp maybe, or does Rosse watch her chest stop rising and falling - something like that I think would make that particular moment more poignant.

  8. Grief, with a tinge of fear moving the story forward. Well done.

  9. Not so much grief as worry. He did seem sad for the loss, but more worried at the end.

  10. There's a nice urgency to this scene, even though in a few places it felt a little too wordy.

    I feel the grief and sorrow of what I assume is the MC (the one who picks up the pup), and the urgency of the scene gives it an undertone of danger.

  11. I really felt the grief. Good job.

  12. I'm ignoring the cheat at the bottom and giving you my impression<:

    Sadness, on Rosse's part.

    My problem with the she-wolf was something of disbelief. I've lost dogs before and I've seen dogs with injuries like that (blasted cars). With that much injury, she would have been in shock and unable to move or register what was going on around her.