Thursday, September 25, 2008

Talkin' Heads #10

Title: Bryson Anomaly
Genre: Humorous Sci-fi

Situation: Monday morning chem class opens with John Bryson, fresh from his grandmother's funeral, talking to his off-beat lab partner, Zeus Maddox. Class starts in the line after this with the teacher reminding John to get notes from Friday's missed class.



“Hey, John!” His lab partner Zeus Maddix sat down next to him. “Crazy weekend?”


“Just the reading of Grandma’s will.”


Zeus started picking at his afro with a wide-toothed comb. “Yeah, she leave you anything cool?”


“Some money in a trust for college, I can’t touch it for anything else, and a car.”


“For real? What kind of car?”


“No clue, the only description she gave was ‘hers’ and that’s not much to go on.”


“Maybe you’ll get lucky and it’ll be a classic.”


“I’ll be happy if it runs.”


Zeus tucked the comb away in his pack and grinned at John. “Wanna see something super cool?”


“Super cool?”


“Total contraband.”


“Really?”


Zeus pulled out his binder and a carefully wrapped magazine covered in brown paper wrapping. With dramatic flair Zeus looked around the room to make sure that no one was watching. He waggled his eyebrows and slowly drew back the cover. “The latest issue of… dun da da dun! Captain America! Isn’t it great?”


John laughed. “That came out last week.”


“Don’t tell me,” Zeus pouted, “you already read it.”


“My cousin had a copy at the funeral, I read it during the slow parts of the eulogies.”


“That’s just shameful. Why weren’t you paying attention?”


“Because they were all saying the same thing and none of it was worth hearing the first time. I was amazed Grandma didn’t start rolling in her coffin.”


“That would have been funny.”


“Yeah, it would’ve. What else you got?”

9 comments:

fairchild said...

:) Witty, easy-going characters. I liked the 'super cool' and 'total contraband' lines.

Ardyth said...

The slang terms worked fine for me, and added to the character's personality. This looks great.

Kate Karyus Quinn said...

This was all great and moved really nicely, until I got to the "that's just shameful," line which didn't sound like something a kid was saying, unless they were imitating a grown-up.

Karen Duvall said...

The two boys sounded the same to me, but their conversation was realistic. I would have liked to have heard some words or phrases that alluded to the genre because otherwise it sounds as if could be anytime, anywhere. Still, it moved fast and conveyed the situation well.

Lori said...

They definitely sound like teenagers, but I didn’t really notice any unique dialects or accents. Also, two logic things caught my eye: first, how can John know what’s in the wrapping before Zeus opens it (that’s how it’s described in the section: “a carefully wrapped magazine covered in brown paper wrapping.” Also, I don’t think wills are typically read the same weekend someone dies (if the death was sudden, especially). It has to go into probate first, and if there’s a trust fund set up, then the executor of the will has to do some legal stuff with the will before turning the assets over to the bequeathed.

Gypsywitch said...

The shameful line didn't ring true for teen speak to me but otherwise the slang and phrasing was right on. :)

Merc said...

I really like it! I could easily keep the two guys separate and it had me laughing several times. ;) Nice job.

~Merc

goldchevy said...

The conversation was interesting and natural. I could distinguish the two characters, but I think Zeus' dialogue could go further--He seemed crazy (in a good way) and I wanted his comments to reflect that more.

celticqueen said...

I agree with the other comments - great job, but the "shameful" line was a bit out of place