TITLE: Graveyard Phoenix
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
I was fighting not to show my annoyance at the weeping woman standing a few feet away from me. It wasn't that I didn't sympathize with what she was going through; it was just that she seemed to be one of those overly excessive weepers, one who brought all the dramatics they could muster to the table. Granted, my annoyance could also be because it was seven thirty at night, I was standing in front of an open grave, and when I was done here, my night was far from over. Nine to five was never my thing.
"Mrs. Tillar," I said, trying to put as much patience into my voice as possible. "If you spill the canister of blood before I begin the resurrection, it will be a wasted night for all of us." I took the blood from her; I don't even know why she'd picked it up. Her brother-in-law Jack, a graying man with a rather stony expression, put his arms around her and drew her in, as though that would make her feel less sad. It never does.
"I'm going to start now," I announced. Jack turned to me, but Mrs. Tillar continued sobbing loudly into Jack's lapels.
"You know that I'm bringing your son back to life right?" I couldn't help but ask, because honestly it felt like I was performing funeral rights for Gideon Tillar, who was currently resting in his snug mahogany coffin six feet below us.
Great hook. I like it a lot. I think you should break up a few of the run-on sentences, but everything else looks great. :)
ReplyDeleteHooked! I definitely want to read more of this. I like the tone, and the subject matter is intriguing; it sounds like it could be a fresh take on the supernatural theme.
ReplyDeleteI think the second paragraph is the strongest. Have you considered actually making it the first paragraph? That line 'If you spill...' is the best on the page - just my opinion of course :)
I'm definitely hooked too. Though i think some of the sentences could be tightened to make everything stronger.
ReplyDeleteAlso, i just read the other Sarah's comment and completely agree with her, especially since some of the weaker sentence construction is that very first sentence.
Definitely hooked. Sarah makes a good point about starting with the second paragraph. That would be a fantastic opening line.
ReplyDeleteYou have a smooth voice and easy to read. I like the narrator's attitude towards his/her task, like its an everyday common next-thing-to-do sort of thing. It peaks curiosity about the protag's background :)
ReplyDeleteThis is hooky all the way through except for your opening paragraph, which (IMHO) doesn't do anything for you. It doesn't place us anywhere. It doesn't give us any clues as to what's going on. Perhaps consider getting rid of it and start with the second parg as Sarah suggested.
ReplyDelete"Mrs. Tillar," I said, trying to put as much patience into my voice as possible. "If you spill the canister of blood before I begin the resurrection, it will be a wasted night for all of us."
That's one great opening line.
I agree with the others. The first couple of sentences I didn't care for but by the time I reached the end of the entry, I was hooked! You completely drew me in. I would start with the second paragraph or maybe show Mrs. Tillar's crying before going into the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked on the premise, but felt the writing could be tightened. I counted at least ten variations of "was," and think the passage would be better with stronger verbs. Great concept though and I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I think it's good advice to ditch the first paragraph, but overall this scene is a great way to kick off a story and I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked, but not quite. The premise is solid, but the opening lines lacked the punch that I know you can deliver based on the closing paragraphs. The opening uses too much passive voice and too many auxiliary verbs. I'd recommend either tightening the writing (because I do like the voice here) or starting this at either "I was standing in front of open grave..." or "Mrs. Tiller..." because I think that's where your writing finds its bearings and its strength.
ReplyDeleteOoh! I really like this one, I want to read on and find out more. I want to know about the system here, and get more of a picture of what the narrator's life is like - I felt like I really got a feel for her/him in this first bit.
ReplyDeleteIt also sounds like exactly the type of book I read, which helps with me liking it :-)
I like the voice in this as the entry goes on. At first, it doesn't feel as strong, but definitely becomes more defined near the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked!
Very intriguing, and reminded me a little of the Anita Blake series, in terms of resurrecting the dead for others. The opening line could be tighter with a stronger hook, and would have loved a bit more tension from the MC at the situation. Otherwise, I would read on as I'm curious :)
ReplyDeleteHooked from the second paragraph on. Definitely agree with the others that you need to cut that first paragraph completely.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few other editing issues:
Should be 'It never did' instead of 'It never does.'
Need a comma before 'right' in the last paragraph.
I think the final sentence could be tighter.
I agree with what's been said, could definitely do with some tightening but I like the voice and premise - hooked!
ReplyDeleteRepetition here: I would definitely read on because I liked the premise, but that first paragraph really does nothing for you. Nip and tuck.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what's been said, especially about the opening paragraph. Delete that, add a bit of description to the rest, and you've got me hooked!
ReplyDeleteOooh, I just love "searing heat" and "gentle breezes" (not to mention a weakening of the knees) would love to find out what happens next!
ReplyDeleteThanks all for the feedback! I have made changes based on the suggestions about the opening paragraph and it reads much better now =)
ReplyDeleteI have problems with openers that remind me too much of vivid scenes from other books, and this is so reminiscent of a scene from one of Laurell K. Hamilton books that it throws me.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I'd keep reading to see what comes next. I would ditch from the table - yes, it's metaphorical, but awkward when they're standing in front of a grave, and their physical location is so intrinsic to this scene. And it's funeral rites, not rights.
I was hooked even with the opening paragraph but your first page will be much stronger without it. I haven't read the Laurell K. Hamilton book so that aspect didn't bother me.
ReplyDelete